Help...Any Way I Can

I think anyone with any experience of Cancer and I don't just mean those of us who have suffered with it, are of the same opinion - I don't want anyone else to have to go though this. 

Having met many people that are living with or have survived Cancer I have found that one thing seems to be true of all of them - myself included - they want to help, any way possible to stop this disease.

Throughout my treatment and now it has ended I have tried to provide support to others by being completely honest in this Blog about my experiences. I hope that these musings have helped other people, being so honest and in some cases making fun of the situation has certainly been invaluable to me, like a form of therapy.  As I get stronger I find myself wanting to do more and more - studies - documentaries - support to charities and even starting to write a book about my experiences over the past 3 years dealing with both being a Widow and my own Cancer journey.

I have certainly met the most amazing and generous people because of this journey I am on and feel my life is all the richer for that, I have also learnt to go with the flow, which I as someone who likes to be in control of their own destiny found very hard.  Facing your mortality makes you realise that people are perfectly imperfect and I for one would not have it any other way, life would be very dull otherwise.

So, how do I help?...the answer - any way I can.

I still feel that I am lucky and very blessed - a friend recently asked me if I felt I have been dealt a raw deal by life.....in some ways yes, but I'm not going to sit and piss and moan about it - people deal with a lot worse than I have been through every second of every day, and so far what has not killed me has only made me stronger.

12 Month Anniversary

The weekend of May 28th marked the start of a long line of 12 month anniversaries, it was 12 months at that time when I found the lump that would put my life on hold for over a year.  But like I said, this one anniversary triggers off several more - having surgery to remove the Cancer, starting chemo, losing my hair and so on. I just wonder whether acknowledging these anniversaries does more harm than good. 

The first one when I think about it is still difficult to get my head around.  I was sick for a YEAR, a year, gone, just like that.  Its strange when you start having treatment it feels like it drags on forever and then in the blink of an eye you are here, where I am, 12 months on trying to reclaim your life.

But now I am getting better and do I really want to keep dwelling on what I have been through?  No doubt that this experience has made me stronger and had other positive effects on me, but it has also made me face my own mortality, scared me, made me needy in some ways so to keep looking back, will that stop me going forward?

I know that once I start to get back to some kind of normality, job, relationship, place to live, social life etc the worry about getting ill again will subside, but I guess not having much else to focus on right now the fear and worry is still at the forefront of my mind, although it is easier to push back as time goes on.

My life will never be totally free of this shadow that seems to affect everything I do but I am hopeful that I will get to do all the things I still want to do, and I hope that my experiences will enable me to help others.  I would never say that being ill is a blessing, but it has helped me face some difficult things in my life and I know that I will never take anything for granted.

Road to Recovery and Freedom????

I finished my hospital treatment on March 13th 2012.  It has been approximately 2 and a bit weeks and it feels like forever.  I'm not sure if others have experienced this but I seem to swing from having infinite patience and tolerance to none at all!  I have found myself to be snappy and mean and that's just not me, I don't like it but I guess its one of those psychological side effects that comes from being ill and poked and prodded and having limited ability to do what you want and go where you want for a year.

I want everything now or even better yesterday!  I don't want to wait for anything and it feels like my recovery is going at a snails pace.  I just want normality I guess, to be able to go bloody swimming so I can start to get rid of the weight I've gained through treatment, to go out for a few hours and not be totally knackered the next day!  To put my hair in a ponytail! Lol!

This road to recovery is going to be a long one it seems and there are still hurdles to come - I have to see the Genetics people in April and am worried the outcome will include more surgery, I am still waiting to see what side effects the Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) will have on me, every test I have puts me on tender hooks and this is all before I have to look for a job/place to live and start my life over again.

I guess being through all this I just want simplicity in my life - no games, no complications just truth and purity, its very true that life is too short to mess about, but with living in that way you must be brave - to be honest to be true to yourself in all areas of your life.  Its an old adage but in the end the truth will set you free.......

Beginning of the end

So I am now on the home stretch as far as my Hospital treatment goes, my Chemo finished on Feb 14th and I have now had my first 2 weeks of Radiotherapy with less than a week to go on that, I have also started my Hormone treatment of Tamoxifen tablets which I have to take for 5 years.

How do I feel about all this?  I guess most people would expect me to be ecstatic, and I am but I can't seem to show it, I feel strangely numb about the whole thing. 

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still feeling pretty awful and not myself at all, the fatigue has really floored me over the past few weeks to the point of breaking down in tears, I just feel so useless right now, at times it kills me just to walk up the stairs.  Then there is the pain from the Radiotherapy in my arm and breast which is uncomfortable most of the time - I know this will go but it does put any celebratory feelings on the back burner.  I have plently of scars too, a permanent reminder, my chest does look like it's been attacked by a baby werewolf.

Its weird because I feel bad about not feeling happy about my hospital treatment finishing and being Cancer free, and I think its because everyone else focuses on the end of treatment and many of them think that will be that - you are done, you are fine, but I know this is not the case, I now have a lifetime of checks and tablets and worry no matter how much I try not to let it affect me.

I know that what has happened to me could have been a hell of a lot worse and considering what some people I know are going through I consider myself lucky, so yes I will celebrate when I feel better in myself but I know the moment will be bittersweet.

Dying to live

So, this week I heard of the deaths of two Breast Cancer fighters - it's not something you tend to talk about too much I guess as remaining positive goes a long way.  I do however have a small girl in the back of my mind who is terrified by the prospect of dying from Breast Cancer, and this week she escaped and had a full blown screaming run around in my head!

I do try not to think about it, but as will anyone who has had a serious illness it's always there, I just feel so terrible for these amazing women's families and friends, but it also sets off these alarms in my head - a full on panic - what if, what if, what if it happens to me too.

When this happens it just sends me into a spiral of thinking about all the things I still want to do and still need time to do.  I really want to be a Mom, I want to meet an amazing Man and be happy, be a family, I want to travel and experience, to live and love, to laugh and dance....anything but die, and my girl in my head just keeps running and screaming out all these things.

So here we are a few days later and the screaming girl in my head has calmed somewhat.  As I get closer to the end of my treatment I seem to get more and more upset, when I should be overjoyed!  A subject I think for my next Blog......

To Wig or not to Wig?

So, I'm nearly done with Chemo and my hair is back - I still look like a tennis ball as its very short but I could now go without my wig.  The problem is I can't seem to take the step of giving it up.

It seems silly to me that getting back to normality could cause me such angst, but I guess its more peoples reactions that I'm worried about - which really isn't like me at all.  Being so short I know people will look at my hair and probably think to themselves "Hmmmm Cancer" and I don't want to be treated any differently because of that.  And lets face it - my hair like this - not a fashion statement!

I think my reluctance to let the wig go is because before I lost it all I had really long hair to hide behind and my wig affords me the same option!  It's a confidence thing too - although short hair does suit me I just feel....well naked without my mane!

I'm sure a lot of the women who lose their hair through chemo or other reasons go through this but I wasn't expecting to be so bothered by it, it's just hair for God's sake! Why should I care what anyone thinks?  It will grow back properly soon enough!

So now the question is.....when will I be brave enough to lose the wig?  I will be going out for lunch with some friends in a few days...should I just take the plunge?  I will keep you posted!!

How do they see me now?

Over the last few months I have been called lots of things, inspiring, amazing, wonderful and even a hero. These very generous comments have come from family, friends and more often than not strangers.  But I have to say as flattering as these comments are, I don't believe the hype.  I am honoured to be able to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and other issues and will help anyone in any way I can but I don't see myself as anything special....I'm just me.

It does make me wonder though how other people in my life really see me now?  Am I still the same Zoe as I was before all the body blows life has dealt me or am I someone different?  I find it interesting now that after what I've been through some people want to keep me close while others want to push me away - I think this comes down to fear & how you react when someone you know has a life threatening illness - do you keep them close & relish your time with them or do you push them away because if something went wrong and you did lose them, could you cope? 

I think generally my friends and family that have been around me during my treatment are relieved that I have been quite lucky in that I have not had any major traumas or been very very ill.  There has only been one point where my Mom has said that I did look very poorly and that did scare her so all in all I think we have done OK!! I know that my parents have found this hard but my relationship with them is all the stronger for it - I try to be mindful that although I am the one who is sick they have had to face the prospect that they could lose me - I remember vividly the horror on my Mothers face when my Consultant said "you should live for another 10 years" - at 34 its not exactly much time!

Relationships during a time like this are always changing because the situation is, I think I try my best not to moan & to just get on with it but its always amazing to have support from family and friends and I hope that they know just how much I love and appreciate them and always will.