I hope Erin does not mind but I am stealing her Blog title after reading it as I think it is definitely a subject worth talking about!
Being close to the end of my treatment I find myself worrying more and more about my Cancer returning in one way or another. I just feel that in the past 8 months I have been through a lot and thinking about my treatment finishing makes me a little teary as I will be so glad its over. The Fear however gets worse as this approaches - what if it does come back? I'm not sure I would have the strength either physically or mentally to do this all again. And what if I did find something that needed to be investigated, would I tell anyone? Would I want to put anyone through that?
When I originally found my lump I did not tell anyone, I did all of the appointments alone, I did question my decision at the time but I guess like anyone in that position you always hope it will be nothing so there will be nothing to tell. However when it is something telling people is hard - especially when like me you have kept it all secret, I felt terrible when I told my parents, I literally came home from the hospital after being told myself and dropped this bombshell on them - in hindsight I am still not sure I did the right thing.
I guess if my Husband was here I would have told people as it would have been much harder to keep it secret, but now if I found something would I tell? I'm still not sure.
The Fear sits at the back of my mind all the time and I will have to learn to deal with it, but that's hard when you are constantly at odds with your own body - every twinge or pain comes with a side of dread that something is wrong and checking my boobs now is an ordeal in itself that comes with a hefty sigh of relief that so far nothing else has appeared.
I suppose in time I will make peace with my body again and in a way that will help me deal with The Fear as I will again get used to what is normal for me and know when something is amiss.
The psychological effects of having Cancer I don't think will ever go away, and I hope that in time The Fear will become less of a feature in my mind - as with anything it will take time to make my peace with the fact that my Cancer could come back, but one thing I know is that if it did I have amazing family and friends to help me through, I couldn't ask for any better.