Keep calm and carry on......

Summer is kind of an odd time for me - its the time of the anniversary of my surgery so that means annual mammogram time, then not too much later its the anniversary of my husbands passing as well as our wedding anniversary and unfortunately my Birthday.

I have had my second all clear this July but can't help wishing I could look forward to the summer with misty optimism instead of approaching it holding my breath and gritting my teeth against the barrage of emotions I have to deal with.

The further I get away from diagnosis and the end of my treatment the more relief I feel, and this time when I got the all clear I did manage to raise a smile.....

The truth is a lot has been going on the last couple of months - I have started working full time again after being out of the rat race for 4 years, and believe me it has been a shock to the system to say the very least.  I have also moved in with my chap and away from my Mom and Dad and my cats who I miss very, very much.
I guess its been a rather stressful time as it feels like the ending of one rather painful chapter of my life and the start of a new one.  Although there are remnants from this painful time that will influence the new story, I am determined not to let it rule me.  I think that's the beauty of free will, we can all choose how anything that happens to us affects us and how we react and deal with it.  I choose happiness, I choose moving forward, I choose to strive to achieve the things I want to do in my life. 

What do you choose?

Valentines Day

So this Valentines day was a lot different to that of 2012.  Valentines day 2012 was the last lot of chemotherapy I had as part of my treatment for Breast Cancer.  Last year I was being poisoned....this year thanks to my other half I was being treated to a meal at a lovely pub.  It really hit home after that how far I have come, it's been more than a year since my last chemo and next week will mark a year from when I completed my radiotherapy and the end of my Cancer treatment - sometimes it does not feel like that long ago and sometimes a million years.  I'm still having medical appointments to do with the aftermath of the Cancer, but not many.  The next hurdle will be my next check up in July where hopefully I will be getting to my first Cancer free anniversary after the all clear last year.  I have been told on a number of occasions that the further you get away from diagnosis the easier it gets to have a normal life and stop worrying so much...or maybe in my case the worrying about my Cancer coming back as just been replaced with worry about getting a job and being in a new relationship!
I sometimes still feel that my life is on hold and overcoming this block is no easy task, but hopefully as the good times thanks to the amazing people in my life cancel out the bad, the easier it will become, but I guess that is the way it works with all these trials and tribulations we all deal with - we sometimes need to stop and just enjoy the little things, be kinder to others and ultimately to ourselves - you don't need to do something big to change your life, what you give is what you receive, and wouldn't it be a good start if we began with what Valentines day is about - love and kindness.

New year...New hope?

So, it's 2013, a brand new year and after the last few years I can't help feeling more hopeful for the future.  Don't misunderstand I'm still scared, my body, heart and soul are still battered and bruised, but there is a ember of hope glowing in me just waiting to catch fire again.

I know this year will still be a struggle, I still have health issues, I'm still starting over with all the practicalities - job hunting, to be followed by a new place to live, still in the beginnings of a relationship and on top of all that still trying to find myself again - but now...she's there, under the surface, just waiting to re-emerge.

The hope makes me feel a million different things - sometimes I don't feel quite stable, but not in a bad way, my life over the last few years has had some incredible lows but born out of them some unexpected and amazing highs.

Something I have become so aware of to the point that it drives me crazy is how some people focus on the negatives all the time and the small things that really don't matter, it's no way to live.

I just wanted to take the opportunity to say have a wonderful new year, wipe the slate clean if needs be, change, do more, laugh more, experience things, love unconditionally and most importantly live this life of yours...you won't get the chance again.