When I was diagnosed with Cancer the only thing I wanted to know was "Is this going to kill me?" Thankfully the answer was no, my Cancer was caught early and very treatable. A few months on and after the roller coaster of tests and treatment has calmed down I have found myself thinking more and more about my prognosis.
Having spoken to many people about their experiences I find it very interesting the huge differences in what people want to know about their illness. For example my Husband, when he was diagnosed it was already a terminal illness and he made it very clear that he did not want to know how long he had left to live or how much "extra time" any treatment would give him. I had an idea but we never discussed it and in hindsight him knowing would not have made any difference, unfortunately my Husband never had the chance to have any treatment as he was just too poorly and passed away before he had chance to fight, which he was so adamant that he was going to do, which broke another piece of my heart.
I guess the truth is that more often than not when you have something like Cancer its easy to scare yourself into thinking that the Cancer will be the thing that kills you, when in reality there are a whole bunch of other things that could finish you off - it might be a morbid thing to say but it also happens to be true, there is always a possibility I could get hit by a Bus tomorrow so Cancer be buggered!
Well, I wish it was that simple not to worry but that is now my dilemma. Statistically yes I have a higher chance now of getting Cancer again in the future so how do I cope with that? What can I do or ask to get to a point where I can live without it being a huge elephant in the room?
At the moment I am discussing things with my oncologist about my further treatment beyond the Chemo, but then I have to try and balance that with the fact that I want my life back, I want to travel to work to go out for a beer to have a boyfriend all these things that people take for granted...just to feel normal. But like I said the more I worry the more I may have a tendency to put myself through harsher treatments to prevent the Cancer returning so all of that would have to wait again!
Its a horrible feeling right now to be so unsure what to do, there are no guarantees here and I know that, if the Cancer is going to come back it will, and I will just have to deal with it. Then on the other hand I want to give myself the best chance......its all based on research and statistics and I am finding the total uncertainty hard to cope with.
In the end I will do what is best for me and make my peace with what has happened to me and all of the implications it has, but for now I just have to remember that nothing is written and that no matter what I do life is a huge leap of faith and I just want to enjoy the ride.......