Menopause is a complete cunt.
I am 45 and as far as I know am in menopause after being in peri menopause for god knows how long, it’s possible I was pre disposed to start going through it early as my mom did or it could have been the tamoxifen I had been taking for 10 plus years due to breast cancer that I stopped taking last November. Whatever the reason, I have to say, I’m fucking sick of this shit.
If you read up on it there are over 30 symptoms that go along with menopause which can last years….YEARS!
I hate this, I hate my body, I hate being too hot too cold, hot sweats, cold sweats, day sweats, night sweats, just got out of the fucking shower sweats, being at work listening to yet another update that could have been an email sweats…
And everything fucking hurts! my joints hurt, bones ache, muscles ache, headaches, my skin itches and is so dry, put on too much weight, getting spots again… what the fuck am I 12?????
And tired, oh my god so tired and exhausted, can’t sleep or when I do I have weird dreams or then I wake up and can’t shake the fatigue off.
And it’s not just physical symptoms, I’m anxious and depressed then ok, then crying on a frequent basis, I have little to no motivation to do anything useful, I just want to be left alone by everyone then feel sad because I’m all alone.
I have frequent bad thoughts about myself, some days I just want to get in the car and drive away and never come back because everyone would be better off without me here, sometimes I think worse things but to be honest I wouldn’t worry too much as I really couldn’t be arsed (see paragraph above).
I am constantly worried my husband will leave as, let’s face it I am no fucking picnic. And who needs a sometimes sweaty, always moody, anxious, depressed, fat, useless wife who does not even want to be touched most of the time? And who is certainty not bothered about looking nice or even getting out of her pyjamas most days.
I’m pretty sure until I started going through it I knew little about menopause, I know my boss actually had to do a course on it which is a good thing because I don’t think you can really explain what you go through on a daily basis. I know people talk more freely now but it does not seem that long since people started being really honest and blunt about it.
I know women use anti depressants, maybe even turn to alcohol or drugs as a crutch to stop or dull the symptoms. I have probably been guilty of the drinking too much just to get some sleep, or take the edge off.
Some can take HRT some use natural remedies, which is they work is great. Unfortunately due to my breast cancer I am unable to take it so I’m just firefighting each day like so many others and it breaks my heart when I read that women have taken their lives as they were unable to cope, but I can also understand why, when the pain and depression and anxiety gets too much, when your body is a stranger, when you feel so alone and that no one understands.
If I knew back when I got my first period that this would eventually happen I would have opted the fuck out. I don’t think that I have ever felt as removed from my own body, I don’t like it and have no desire to care for it, I just want to feel well, awake, happy, remember what I wanted out of the cupboard and only sweat because of physical exertion or hot weather. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, I hope it’s over soon and I can start a ‘new’ normal part of life.
For now I will keep plodding on, look after each other out there and keep talking.
