Aftermath of Cancer

I read an interesting article in Fabulous Mag regarding life after Cancer, it focused of 4 women with various types of Cancer.  They were talking about what happened to them after they had completed their treatment when their lives fell apart.
 It sounds crazy right? You are told you have beaten Cancer and then your life falls apart? Shouldn't you be over the moon? Get back on track, start living?

For me I guess I can relate more to this because of previous experience, when I lost my husband it was a completely traumatic event and not only did it destroy my life it also defined it for a long time - I was a Widow and after a while that was all I was.  I didn't know how to be me again, I lost myself, everything I was was swallowed up by the intensity of the grief and loss.  I was so focused on this one event that I disappeared and it took over a year of counselling and many ups and downs to get the bare bones of me back.

I now find myself in a position where this could potentially happen again, it could happen to anyone with any illness who recovers - you go through this intense treatment and your entire will becomes focused on getting well and beating your disease then just as suddenly as it begins, it stops, you are well, you have beaten it - have a nice life.

After such intensity is it any wonder people feel lost, depressed, angry?  When it all ends and you can stop and catch your breath of course you are going to try and make sense of everything that has just happened and I think that is where there is a big void in the treatment available.  I mentioned side effects in my last entry and its important to remember that the side effects from Cancer are not just physical ones.  It concerns me that there does not seem to be any real care available for people who's whole identity is altered by their battle, and for them the fight does not end when they get the all clear.

I have no idea how I will feel once my treatment ends, maybe what I have already been though has made me able to cope better with the psychological effects, I don't really know.  I do understand though how people can feel, I already fret about how my life will continue after I am finished with my treatment - will anyone want me for a girlfriend? will I get a job easily? where will I live? will the physical side effects cause me problems?  But on the flip side of this I already have plans to travel and what kind of job I want when I'm ready, I can't plan too far ahead right now and I know whatever is meant to happen will when I'm ready for it.

Cancer Treatment

I guess as far as Cancer is concerned I have a fairly unique perspective.  I have now been on both sides - the carer and now the one being cared for.  You would think because of this I have a good knowledge of treatment and what was going to happen - not so, I think even I was shocked at actually how dense I was about the whole thing.  When I was diagnosed even being through what I have before with Cancer I was clueless, I felt completely out of control there for a while - but that's OK - it does go away and you do get a handle on things, but all of this has to be done while your treatment starts, usually at a rate of knot's.

Since I found the lump in late April I have had/done the following;
Ultra-sound scan
Mammogram
MRI Scan
Surgery to remove the lump and 11 lymph nodes from my armpit
Hickman Line Insertion
3 Lots of Chemo
Various chats with my Consultant and Oncologist
Various proddings and pokings from Doctors and Surgeons
Meeting with a Fertility Specialist

My treatment will continue on with six more lots of Chemo, 3 weeks of Radiotherapy and five years on hormone therapy (tablets).  It seems generally any Cancer treatment will consist of some or all of the 4 (Surgery/Chemotherapy / Radiotherapy/Hormone Therapy) depending on the many variables - what type of Cancer, grade, location, etc etc.

Having sat and thought about it all for a while it grieves me that after all this time and research that those 4 things are still the go-to treatments, we just don't seem to have moved on much.  It felt completely alien to me when I signed a consent form to allow what is in its most basic form the hospital to inject me with poison for 6 months then to blast me with radiation and finally to put me on a drug with a list of possible side effects a mile long. 

I'm making myself sick to make myself well.

The treatments all have side effects and this is what I find most difficult, there is always a trade off - and you have to ask yourself as you start this journey, what am I willing to sacrifice, what is an acceptable loss of quality in my life over quantity?

Unfortunately much of the problem with side effects is that some people will feel the full force some will get none, some are temporary some are permanent but no-one can tell you for definite, it is all a leap of faith.
For example when I started my treatment my Oncologist asked me if I would participate in some research they are doing so that younger women will be able to find out one way or the other if the Chemotherapy will make them sterile.  I agreed, no-one could tell me the answer to that and I wish they could have.  Instead I had to make a decision based on nothing - I have no idea if I will be able to have children once this is over (granted i had no idea before either) but this treatment may end any hope of having a child naturally for me.

I wish in a way I was braver, increasingly some people are shunning the standard medical treatments and going it alone, trying to treat themselves naturally - as with any treatment sometimes they win, sometimes they don't, but at least the quality of their lives is far less compromised.  I wish I had been brave enough to say no to more treatment after my surgery because there is a good chance I would have been fine - but at this point in my life its not a risk I am willing to take, even with the impact it will have on the rest of my life.

To be truthful I consider myself very lucky - even with all of this I am one of the lucky ones and I will not take that for granted, some of the women I have met since being diagnosed have made me realise this, some are far worse off than me in terms of what Cancer they have and what they have to cope with whilst fighting it, they are the ones that are inspirational.

Cancer treatment is scary and unpredictable and you just have to go with the flow much of the time, learn to listen to your body, be positive and for a former pessimist that can be a big ask.  Its a shame that until this point in my life I don't think I ever thought to myself - I want to live - its not something we say to ourselves unless something threatens to take life away, its almost as if saying it is like waving a red flag at a bull, that somehow saying it means our life will be extinguished in some cruel irony because we finally admitted how much we want it.  But I do want it, now more than ever, and not just to exist to live, really live - how many of us can say we do that?

A Love Letter to Facebook and Twitter

So, there are many people out there who don't like Facebook and Twitter, I must disagree.  You see for me both of these forms of social interaction have been invaluable over the past couple of years.  For me I do know the majority of people on my Facebook, either from school, work and life in general and I like the fact that I can catch up with them and see how peoples lives are going.

For me personally after my husband died these were the only ways I wanted to interact with anyone for a good while, and to be fair if I had not have had that outlet who knows how I would have coped.  It was nice to know that people were thinking of me in a time of such complete devastation in my life and to anyone who posted a comment or sent a hug/heart/smile or personal message, I thank you.

Now unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst again and due to feeling ill and not getting out much I find myself drawn to this kind of interaction, and again, those who know me and are amazing people have been there and I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate you all - for making me laugh, cry and feel more hopeful about the future.  For the crap jokes (you know who you are) and the social commentary and the dodgy drunken pictures.

It is always lovely to see people in person but when you can't I think that Facebook and Twitter have helped fill a void especially for me, it has certainly helped me to remember how fantastic people can be and how they are always willing to help...............even when you haven't seen them in 15 years ;-)))

The Blame Game

There are a lot of stories in the media right now concerning Cancer and what makes people more at risk - we all do things that may be considered risky where our health is concerned - smoking, drinking, stress, junk food, drugs etc etc, but what I object to and something that seems to be happening a lot lately is that some people are taking something that is a risk and making it a reason, and sometimes the sole reason that someone gets Cancer.

There was a story in one of the papers online recently and someone had left a comment underneath basically stating that had the person concerned eaten some vegetables and gone for a walk that simple as that they would not have Cancer.  Bollocks.  This comment was obviously from someone who has never had someone they care for go through the nightmare that is having Cancer.

The truth of the matter is you can speculate as to a reason all you like but no-one really know why one person gets it and one does not regardless - Cancer does not discriminate in any way, anyone can get it and pointing the finger of blame at someone because they have eaten a burger more than once is never going to be helpful, so why do some people feel the need to find a reason and to blame a person for getting cancer?

At the end of the day someone with Cancer has enough to deal with without the added stress of blaming themselves, I remember when my Husband was diagnosed, the first words out of his mouth to me were "I'm sorry" and my response..."I'ts not your fault" and no matter what anyone says I would never have blamed him and I never will.

Please don't misunderstand me I'm certainly not saying that having a totally unhealthy lifestyle is ok I just take issue with people apportioning blame to something which much of the time can't be explained - why do people get Cancer?  Is is lifestyle, genes, environment or just bloody bad luck?  To be honest now I have had it I can't say I really dwell on why I got it all I care about is surviving and living again.  Will it make me change my lifestyle?  To an extent yes, is it the only reason? No. Do I think that changing my lifestyle will stop it from coming back?  I don't know, I wish there was more evidence to say that it will but at the end of the day if its going to come back it will come back - to use an old cliche what will be will be.

Boobs

Well, what can I say about my boobs...I have  always been identified by them because, well, they are big.  I developed early and like the rest of the women in my family I am somewhat top heavy, which throughout my life has paved the way for various comments/jokes to be made and, lets just say it conversations to be had with or about my boobs.

I hated them for a long time but over the years I made peace with my jubblies and have on occasion used them to my advantage as many of my friends from my old local will attest to.

This has never changed the fact they are too big and I had for a while thought about having a reduction and to be honest it had until now only been the lack of fundage that has stopped me from going ahead.

In June I made a devastating discovery, the parts of me that so many people identified me with might be killing me.

Breast Cancer.

I don't think when anyone is diagnosed they hear the first part..it is just Cancer and people die from Cancer..and you immediately think I'm going to die and in my case, my breasts are going to kill me.

I, however was lucky, my Cancer was caught early and because my boobs are as big as they are they could get away with just taking the lump and not the whole breast, the relief was immense - I don't think I had ever been so grateful for my large rack.

Then comes a setback, I initially never had a mammogram, they don't do them on women under 35, my lump was picked up on an ultrasound scan but after I was diagnosed they did the mammogram to check there was nothing else to find, unfortunately there was...a couple of small masses deep inside the same breast as the Cancer.  I was told I may need a mastectomy after all.  I was told that the radiologist needed to confirm if these were something or nothing - and because of the timing of the mammogram and my operation I would only find out on the morning I was having surgery.

I think my initial reaction was well, if they have to take it all, then they have to.  Survival becomes more important than anything else.  Again I was lucky, what they picked up on the mammogram was nothing so I got to keep my breast.

It has just made me think about the relationship we have with our own bodies, how barbaric the things are that we do to survive Cancer - even now all we can do is cut it out of our bodies - and that's if you are lucky.

So after surgery I have a lovely scar and a bit of tissue missing from inside, but generally its business as usual.  But now I worry that keeping my big boobs will possibly give the Cancer a chance to return in the future, and it is definitely a conversation I will be having with my Consultant once my other treatment is over - do I keep them or possibly have them reduced?  I know some women deliberately have mastectomies to reduce their risk even more...I'm not sure I could do that, but going through this treatment now I think I can understand why they do.