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Sunday, 6 May 2012

12 Month Anniversary

The weekend of May 28th marked the start of a long line of 12 month anniversaries, it was 12 months at that time when I found the lump that would put my life on hold for over a year.  But like I said, this one anniversary triggers off several more - having surgery to remove the Cancer, starting chemo, losing my hair and so on. I just wonder whether acknowledging these anniversaries does more harm than good. 

The first one when I think about it is still difficult to get my head around.  I was sick for a YEAR, a year, gone, just like that.  Its strange when you start having treatment it feels like it drags on forever and then in the blink of an eye you are here, where I am, 12 months on trying to reclaim your life.

But now I am getting better and do I really want to keep dwelling on what I have been through?  No doubt that this experience has made me stronger and had other positive effects on me, but it has also made me face my own mortality, scared me, made me needy in some ways so to keep looking back, will that stop me going forward?

I know that once I start to get back to some kind of normality, job, relationship, place to live, social life etc the worry about getting ill again will subside, but I guess not having much else to focus on right now the fear and worry is still at the forefront of my mind, although it is easier to push back as time goes on.

My life will never be totally free of this shadow that seems to affect everything I do but I am hopeful that I will get to do all the things I still want to do, and I hope that my experiences will enable me to help others.  I would never say that being ill is a blessing, but it has helped me face some difficult things in my life and I know that I will never take anything for granted.


  1. Zoe: You are one of the bravest and most wonderful people I have come to know. You are on this earth for a reason and you are already leaving your mark on others (especially my wife and me). We've never met except on social media, but you are and will always be a member of our family...and you're in my two books, so you will be immortal! (for whatever that's worth :-). We can't wait to meet you in July!

  2. Start thinking like someone who has a second chance, because you do. We are both lucky to be here. I know how you feel. Been there done that. I am mortal too, just like you and ...well everyone else!They however don't have the concept shoved into their face, and its a bit harder for us. The winning formula after this crap? Once you accept that you are going to die oneday, and that you need to make the most of life, you become less obsessive. Worrying is just fear (in this case of dying), and it means you are not being present and wasting a day. ....In some ways we get to live better than most after having experienced this...others may waste their lives away....we won't will we?....You will get there Zoe...Noels

  3. Hi Zoe,

    A year has passed - congratulations, that's wonderful. It's no surprise to hear you are still looking back, feeling those heavy feelings . . . some of our bloggers at have felt the same. So if you ever want to exchange with people who relate, please don’t hesitate to visit or join our page. In the meanwhile, keep on writing. A year is a great marker. May you have many more.

  4. I have just had my 2 year 6 month anniversary of that day when they told me I had breast cancer. My view - yes count the anniversaries but in a different way. I am half way to my 5 years clear. You are a fifth of the way. Every new anniversary brings you closer to that big day! I also look forward to not having to take the Tamoxifen so that is another countdown.
    Every day is precious and each one a milestone - celebrate them.

  5. Zoe: keep counting and celebrating. My wife is a 34 year childhood Leukemia survivor. We have celebrated her anniversaries every year since we met (over 20 years ago). The days we celebrate are the anniversary of her diagnosis and the day she went off chemo. Both of these dates represent survival and beating the odds. For us it has never been about dwelling on the past, but as a celebration of life. As my wife says: "Never give up, Always hope, Live life!"

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