The weekend of May 28th marked the start of a long line of 12 month anniversaries, it was 12 months at that time when I found the lump that would put my life on hold for over a year. But like I said, this one anniversary triggers off several more - having surgery to remove the Cancer, starting chemo, losing my hair and so on. I just wonder whether acknowledging these anniversaries does more harm than good.
The first one when I think about it is still difficult to get my head around. I was sick for a YEAR, a year, gone, just like that. Its strange when you start having treatment it feels like it drags on forever and then in the blink of an eye you are here, where I am, 12 months on trying to reclaim your life.
But now I am getting better and do I really want to keep dwelling on what I have been through? No doubt that this experience has made me stronger and had other positive effects on me, but it has also made me face my own mortality, scared me, made me needy in some ways so to keep looking back, will that stop me going forward?
I know that once I start to get back to some kind of normality, job, relationship, place to live, social life etc the worry about getting ill again will subside, but I guess not having much else to focus on right now the fear and worry is still at the forefront of my mind, although it is easier to push back as time goes on.
My life will never be totally free of this shadow that seems to affect everything I do but I am hopeful that I will get to do all the things I still want to do, and I hope that my experiences will enable me to help others. I would never say that being ill is a blessing, but it has helped me face some difficult things in my life and I know that I will never take anything for granted.