I finished my hospital treatment on March 13th 2012. It has been approximately 2 and a bit weeks and it feels like forever. I'm not sure if others have experienced this but I seem to swing from having infinite patience and tolerance to none at all! I have found myself to be snappy and mean and that's just not me, I don't like it but I guess its one of those psychological side effects that comes from being ill and poked and prodded and having limited ability to do what you want and go where you want for a year.
I want everything now or even better yesterday! I don't want to wait for anything and it feels like my recovery is going at a snails pace. I just want normality I guess, to be able to go bloody swimming so I can start to get rid of the weight I've gained through treatment, to go out for a few hours and not be totally knackered the next day! To put my hair in a ponytail! Lol!
This road to recovery is going to be a long one it seems and there are still hurdles to come - I have to see the Genetics people in April and am worried the outcome will include more surgery, I am still waiting to see what side effects the Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) will have on me, every test I have puts me on tender hooks and this is all before I have to look for a job/place to live and start my life over again.
I guess being through all this I just want simplicity in my life - no games, no complications just truth and purity, its very true that life is too short to mess about, but with living in that way you must be brave - to be honest to be true to yourself in all areas of your life. Its an old adage but in the end the truth will set you free.......
Saturday 31 March 2012
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Beginning of the end
So I am now on the home stretch as far as my Hospital treatment goes, my Chemo finished on Feb 14th and I have now had my first 2 weeks of Radiotherapy with less than a week to go on that, I have also started my Hormone treatment of Tamoxifen tablets which I have to take for 5 years.
How do I feel about all this? I guess most people would expect me to be ecstatic, and I am but I can't seem to show it, I feel strangely numb about the whole thing.
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still feeling pretty awful and not myself at all, the fatigue has really floored me over the past few weeks to the point of breaking down in tears, I just feel so useless right now, at times it kills me just to walk up the stairs. Then there is the pain from the Radiotherapy in my arm and breast which is uncomfortable most of the time - I know this will go but it does put any celebratory feelings on the back burner. I have plently of scars too, a permanent reminder, my chest does look like it's been attacked by a baby werewolf.
Its weird because I feel bad about not feeling happy about my hospital treatment finishing and being Cancer free, and I think its because everyone else focuses on the end of treatment and many of them think that will be that - you are done, you are fine, but I know this is not the case, I now have a lifetime of checks and tablets and worry no matter how much I try not to let it affect me.
I know that what has happened to me could have been a hell of a lot worse and considering what some people I know are going through I consider myself lucky, so yes I will celebrate when I feel better in myself but I know the moment will be bittersweet.
How do I feel about all this? I guess most people would expect me to be ecstatic, and I am but I can't seem to show it, I feel strangely numb about the whole thing.
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still feeling pretty awful and not myself at all, the fatigue has really floored me over the past few weeks to the point of breaking down in tears, I just feel so useless right now, at times it kills me just to walk up the stairs. Then there is the pain from the Radiotherapy in my arm and breast which is uncomfortable most of the time - I know this will go but it does put any celebratory feelings on the back burner. I have plently of scars too, a permanent reminder, my chest does look like it's been attacked by a baby werewolf.
Its weird because I feel bad about not feeling happy about my hospital treatment finishing and being Cancer free, and I think its because everyone else focuses on the end of treatment and many of them think that will be that - you are done, you are fine, but I know this is not the case, I now have a lifetime of checks and tablets and worry no matter how much I try not to let it affect me.
I know that what has happened to me could have been a hell of a lot worse and considering what some people I know are going through I consider myself lucky, so yes I will celebrate when I feel better in myself but I know the moment will be bittersweet.
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