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Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Beginning of the end

So I am now on the home stretch as far as my Hospital treatment goes, my Chemo finished on Feb 14th and I have now had my first 2 weeks of Radiotherapy with less than a week to go on that, I have also started my Hormone treatment of Tamoxifen tablets which I have to take for 5 years.

How do I feel about all this?  I guess most people would expect me to be ecstatic, and I am but I can't seem to show it, I feel strangely numb about the whole thing. 

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still feeling pretty awful and not myself at all, the fatigue has really floored me over the past few weeks to the point of breaking down in tears, I just feel so useless right now, at times it kills me just to walk up the stairs.  Then there is the pain from the Radiotherapy in my arm and breast which is uncomfortable most of the time - I know this will go but it does put any celebratory feelings on the back burner.  I have plently of scars too, a permanent reminder, my chest does look like it's been attacked by a baby werewolf.

Its weird because I feel bad about not feeling happy about my hospital treatment finishing and being Cancer free, and I think its because everyone else focuses on the end of treatment and many of them think that will be that - you are done, you are fine, but I know this is not the case, I now have a lifetime of checks and tablets and worry no matter how much I try not to let it affect me.

I know that what has happened to me could have been a hell of a lot worse and considering what some people I know are going through I consider myself lucky, so yes I will celebrate when I feel better in myself but I know the moment will be bittersweet.

2 comments:

  1. Sending good thoughts your way for healing, comfort, and strength. Letting yourself feel what you feel, and not judging it, can be a really good thing.

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  2. Do not feel bad about not feeling good as treatment ends. The end of treatment is not the end of this cancer gig. This time of transition can be really tough. It's never entirely over. It's just not. Never be afraid to tell your truth.

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