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Monday, 16 May 2016

No Babies

I have had a few hospital visits and some new things to deal with since my last post.

I went to see my Oncologist, I was concerned that the treatment I have received was putting me through the menopause early.  I had some bloods done and thankfully I am still showing as pre-menopausal.
The Oncologist decided she wanted to speak to me about this as I had mentioned that my other half and I had not ruled out having a family of our own through natural means if it was possible.

So off I went and spoke to the Oncologist and one of her team, unfortunately the consensus was that they would not recommend me getting pregnant.... it was very difficult to hear as up until this point I had not had a definitive answer.

So the reasons they are saying this is because although I am still officially pre-menopausal before I could even try to get pregnant I would have to stop taking tamoxifen which is what stops my oestrogen binding to cells which is what made my cancer worse if you like - oestrogen would be the petrol to the fire in my case.  I would have to be off this for at least 6 to 12 months before trying to conceive as tamoxifen can cause birth defects.  I was also told that in terms of actually conceiving I could have trouble as we cannot say that everything still works after the Chemo and that although not officially going through menopause things are shall we say...slowing down.... so the chances could be slim anyway.

I was then given lots of statistics about survival rates with and without the tamoxifen for 10 years for me surviving for 10 years without tamoxifen is about 80%, with the tamoxifen it goes up to about 93% which is obviously food for thought.  My Oncologist wants me on tamoxifen for 10 years - I have only been on it for 4.  They did however say that if I wanted to try they would support me 100%

But now I have had the official medical opinion its a difficult thing to try and get me head around.  If I now go against the advice and my cancer returns - I don't know how to justify that...I know that this is not all fact but it is based on statistics and studies and I could go ahead with no problems, but my gut says don't and I'm not sure that will change.

I think I have to look at it from the point of view - how much do I want a child?  Would we consider adoption?  I have never said I wanted children of my own - it is not a deal breaker for me, we have talked about this and my other half would not be comfortable with putting me at risk for something that may not happen.

When all is said and done it is a difficult thing to accept and I admit that when my little Niece is running around all beautiful, happy and smiling there are times when my heart feels like it will burst and I could weep as my body has let me down again.

I never took if for granted even before the Cancer that I would be able to have children, I am still unsure how I feel about what has happened...not just the children part, but all of it.  I guess after everything I feel like I should be devastated that I won't have a child of my own...I'm not, I am a little sad, I feel upset for my Mom and Dad as I won't be able to carry on the family line if you will, I feel cheated that I won't experience what it feels like to carry a child, to feel it grow. 

This is just another crappy thing that has happened to no means the worst thing.....I am still is never perfect and you play the hand you are dealt.  I admit that I have times when I do wonder if the universe will ever even the score...will it throw some amazing things at me to even the balance?  But these thoughts are fleeting, no-one can live feeling like the universe owes them, I just have to take it on the chin and keep moving forward.

So my storm continues but I am just trying to embrace it...the good and the bad....and I just hope that somehow, somewhere I am making a difference, that my story, my life, helps someone for the better.

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