Over the past year since it let me down, my body has become a stranger. Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't - now any ache or pain and I panic - and yes I guess after what has happened this is a normal thing.
So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice. The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear. The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them. I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went. On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.
I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me! I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine! Far from it in fact!
Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something. It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance. My timing couldn't be much worse.
I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop? When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back? I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.