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Friday, 6 July 2012

My Body the Stranger

Over the past year since it let me down, my body has become a stranger.  Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't - now any ache or pain and I panic - and yes I guess after what has happened this is a normal thing.

So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice.  The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear.  The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them.  I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went.  On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.

I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me!  I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine!  Far from it in fact!

Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something.  It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance.  My timing couldn't be much worse.

I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop?  When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back?  I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.


  1. I have been up all night again, seems regular again for me...and I noticed you had a new post. A tear rolled down my cheek as I read that you had to cancel your trip. I am so sorry to hear that as I related emotionally when you were excited about it. I also relate to you cancelling it. I have had to cancel so many things in the last sven years because my body is not "normal". I wish for you the normalcy that you crave as I do for myself. I know that does not make it better but I do know that the smallest sense of someone supporting you even virtually can make a feather weight difference in the day. I hope that the results from the scan are cancer free and I hope that you can hang on to the hope that the change in your path is directing you to brighter days and a direction that gives you joy and fulfillment-which is what we are all truly in search of. My heart is breaking for you because I just had emergency surgery last week to have the nerve stimulator taken out. It was the last ditch effort to decrease my chronic pain and not only did it not work very well but my body rejected it. I knew it but when the surgeon told me that there were no other options-the thought of living/existing with this pain, this veil demon that is ruining my life is here to stay felt like a lock-up. Our bodies are failing us, but we have our spirit and our mind.

    Look at me rambling on, sorry...

    Your crazy and virtual Canada friend Susan

  2. Ah, crushing to hear about this latest concern and how you’ve had to cancel the holiday. I hope the scan proves the ‘problem area’ to be no big problem at all. Like Susan, I’m wishing you normalness. Katie, our blogger, has been having similar troubles in trusting her body and finding that normal. I think it can be quite the journey, even long after treatment has finished. But it can come. I’m hoping for you it arrives soon.

  3. There is light ladies. I can finally accept all the aches and pains are 'normal' and my body is lovely again despite the blue spots, tramlines and 'tittoo'. How long? Four years of being angry with the world and myself. I have lovely family, friends and people who have supported me but I needed to love myself too.
    Well world I'm back and to all you lovely people do not give up hope because when you find your tunnel there is a wide world waiting for you. Much Love from a Very Happy Survivor xxxx

  4. I hope you don't mind me joining in, but I just want to say how much I admire your honesty and bravery. My ex-wife is recovering from breast cancer, having had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy. I don't know if she's had the 'all clear' yet, but she's returning to work as a teacher. She's also managed to sustain the happiness and morale of our kids who live with her. She has had amazing support from her family. For what it's worth, I hope all the crap goes away real soon! I salute you!

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