Struggling along...

It's been five months since my cancer treatment ended in March and I have to admit I am finding things a struggle.  Although my mind is calmer since having the all clear from the CT Scan I had it has just been filled by other worries, and physically I am still having problems with fatigue and finding the motivation to exercise.

I am having major issues with body image too, although I was lucky that I did not have to have a mastectomy the scarring and subsequent damage done by the radiotherapy has been upsetting me more than I thought it would.  It's a horrible feeling looking at all the perfect breasted poster girls and actresses and feeling, well, deformed.  And because I feel this way I project it onto my other half and just assume he must find me horrible to look at - which he assures me he does not. 

I find it hard in a culture so obsessed with looks and perfection to accept this, even though I would never have considered myself to be bothered with image or looks - I am really struggling to understand why this bothers me so much!  I will be seeing the plastic surgeon early next year after the radiotherapy has stopped working and done it's worst, and right now I'm hoping things can be rectified.

Physically I'm still tired much of the time and mustering any motivation to exercise is proving very difficult coupled with all the pressure I am starting to feel to start my life over again - sometimes its almost like you are afraid to start just in case you get sick again, and this again is something I am struggling to overcome.

It seems there are a million problems that come after treatment ends and as much as I try to take the physical and emotional side effects/problems on board and just get on with it, sometimes it does just get overwhelming.  I do sit and wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all these doubts, worries and physical problems disappear - not just for me but for all the cancer fighters and survivors out there. 
"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" - Hippocrates

My Body the Stranger

Over the past year since it let me down, my body has become a stranger.  Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't - now any ache or pain and I panic - and yes I guess after what has happened this is a normal thing.

So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice.  The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear.  The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them.  I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went.  On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.

I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me!  I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine!  Far from it in fact!

Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something.  It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance.  My timing couldn't be much worse.

I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop?  When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back?  I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.

Lost Love

Before I was diagnosed in June 2011 I had just about reached a point after my losing my husband in August 2009 where it would have been nice to meet someone.  However then being diagnosed with Breast Cancer somewhat stopped me in my tracks.

Towards the end of my treatment I did start to really miss the affection and love that being with the right person brings,  I jumped into something...probably far too fast and found that I couldn't start to sort myself out, which I am basically having to do from scratch, and put in the effort required to keep the relationship going.  If I was in an established relationship I have no doubt it would be different.
I think I need to be selfish for a while - no that's wrong - maybe I just need to put myself first for a change and really sort out my head after what has been the worst three years of my life.  Sometimes I think I make light of it to stop myself from facing it all because when I do like now for example it makes me fall apart, and it also reminds me that the one person above all others that I want to be here to put me back together isn't and never will be again.

It is nearing 3 years since my husband died, 3 years since I felt his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and loved, it makes my heart ache.  I can honestly say I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything, that feeling never went away and if anything just grew stronger as time went on.

I just feel like I want to tell people, if you have that love, the love that brings out the best in both of you in every way, hold on tight to it, never, never take it for granted and maybe you can make a wish for me, that when I am ready I will get a love like that back again someday.

Help...Any Way I Can

I think anyone with any experience of Cancer and I don't just mean those of us who have suffered with it, are of the same opinion - I don't want anyone else to have to go though this. 

Having met many people that are living with or have survived Cancer I have found that one thing seems to be true of all of them - myself included - they want to help, any way possible to stop this disease.

Throughout my treatment and now it has ended I have tried to provide support to others by being completely honest in this Blog about my experiences. I hope that these musings have helped other people, being so honest and in some cases making fun of the situation has certainly been invaluable to me, like a form of therapy.  As I get stronger I find myself wanting to do more and more - studies - documentaries - support to charities and even starting to write a book about my experiences over the past 3 years dealing with both being a Widow and my own Cancer journey.

I have certainly met the most amazing and generous people because of this journey I am on and feel my life is all the richer for that, I have also learnt to go with the flow, which I as someone who likes to be in control of their own destiny found very hard.  Facing your mortality makes you realise that people are perfectly imperfect and I for one would not have it any other way, life would be very dull otherwise.

So, how do I help?...the answer - any way I can.

I still feel that I am lucky and very blessed - a friend recently asked me if I felt I have been dealt a raw deal by life.....in some ways yes, but I'm not going to sit and piss and moan about it - people deal with a lot worse than I have been through every second of every day, and so far what has not killed me has only made me stronger.

12 Month Anniversary

The weekend of May 28th marked the start of a long line of 12 month anniversaries, it was 12 months at that time when I found the lump that would put my life on hold for over a year.  But like I said, this one anniversary triggers off several more - having surgery to remove the Cancer, starting chemo, losing my hair and so on. I just wonder whether acknowledging these anniversaries does more harm than good. 

The first one when I think about it is still difficult to get my head around.  I was sick for a YEAR, a year, gone, just like that.  Its strange when you start having treatment it feels like it drags on forever and then in the blink of an eye you are here, where I am, 12 months on trying to reclaim your life.

But now I am getting better and do I really want to keep dwelling on what I have been through?  No doubt that this experience has made me stronger and had other positive effects on me, but it has also made me face my own mortality, scared me, made me needy in some ways so to keep looking back, will that stop me going forward?

I know that once I start to get back to some kind of normality, job, relationship, place to live, social life etc the worry about getting ill again will subside, but I guess not having much else to focus on right now the fear and worry is still at the forefront of my mind, although it is easier to push back as time goes on.

My life will never be totally free of this shadow that seems to affect everything I do but I am hopeful that I will get to do all the things I still want to do, and I hope that my experiences will enable me to help others.  I would never say that being ill is a blessing, but it has helped me face some difficult things in my life and I know that I will never take anything for granted.

Road to Recovery and Freedom????

I finished my hospital treatment on March 13th 2012.  It has been approximately 2 and a bit weeks and it feels like forever.  I'm not sure if others have experienced this but I seem to swing from having infinite patience and tolerance to none at all!  I have found myself to be snappy and mean and that's just not me, I don't like it but I guess its one of those psychological side effects that comes from being ill and poked and prodded and having limited ability to do what you want and go where you want for a year.

I want everything now or even better yesterday!  I don't want to wait for anything and it feels like my recovery is going at a snails pace.  I just want normality I guess, to be able to go bloody swimming so I can start to get rid of the weight I've gained through treatment, to go out for a few hours and not be totally knackered the next day!  To put my hair in a ponytail! Lol!

This road to recovery is going to be a long one it seems and there are still hurdles to come - I have to see the Genetics people in April and am worried the outcome will include more surgery, I am still waiting to see what side effects the Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) will have on me, every test I have puts me on tender hooks and this is all before I have to look for a job/place to live and start my life over again.

I guess being through all this I just want simplicity in my life - no games, no complications just truth and purity, its very true that life is too short to mess about, but with living in that way you must be brave - to be honest to be true to yourself in all areas of your life.  Its an old adage but in the end the truth will set you free.......

Beginning of the end

So I am now on the home stretch as far as my Hospital treatment goes, my Chemo finished on Feb 14th and I have now had my first 2 weeks of Radiotherapy with less than a week to go on that, I have also started my Hormone treatment of Tamoxifen tablets which I have to take for 5 years.

How do I feel about all this?  I guess most people would expect me to be ecstatic, and I am but I can't seem to show it, I feel strangely numb about the whole thing. 

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still feeling pretty awful and not myself at all, the fatigue has really floored me over the past few weeks to the point of breaking down in tears, I just feel so useless right now, at times it kills me just to walk up the stairs.  Then there is the pain from the Radiotherapy in my arm and breast which is uncomfortable most of the time - I know this will go but it does put any celebratory feelings on the back burner.  I have plently of scars too, a permanent reminder, my chest does look like it's been attacked by a baby werewolf.

Its weird because I feel bad about not feeling happy about my hospital treatment finishing and being Cancer free, and I think its because everyone else focuses on the end of treatment and many of them think that will be that - you are done, you are fine, but I know this is not the case, I now have a lifetime of checks and tablets and worry no matter how much I try not to let it affect me.

I know that what has happened to me could have been a hell of a lot worse and considering what some people I know are going through I consider myself lucky, so yes I will celebrate when I feel better in myself but I know the moment will be bittersweet.