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Monday, 18 June 2012

Lost Love

Before I was diagnosed in June 2011 I had just about reached a point after my losing my husband in August 2009 where it would have been nice to meet someone.  However then being diagnosed with Breast Cancer somewhat stopped me in my tracks.

Towards the end of my treatment I did start to really miss the affection and love that being with the right person brings,  I jumped into something...probably far too fast and found that I couldn't start to sort myself out, which I am basically having to do from scratch, and put in the effort required to keep the relationship going.  If I was in an established relationship I have no doubt it would be different.
I think I need to be selfish for a while - no that's wrong - maybe I just need to put myself first for a change and really sort out my head after what has been the worst three years of my life.  Sometimes I think I make light of it to stop myself from facing it all because when I do like now for example it makes me fall apart, and it also reminds me that the one person above all others that I want to be here to put me back together isn't and never will be again.

It is nearing 3 years since my husband died, 3 years since I felt his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and loved, it makes my heart ache.  I can honestly say I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything, that feeling never went away and if anything just grew stronger as time went on.

I just feel like I want to tell people, if you have that love, the love that brings out the best in both of you in every way, hold on tight to it, never, never take it for granted and maybe you can make a wish for me, that when I am ready I will get a love like that back again someday.


  1. I will ardently hold that hope that one day you again have that feeling. This is a very honest post, Zoe. Thank you for sharing. Putting yourself first, focusing on your healing – it sounds like a wonderful idea and there’s everything right in the concept. It sounds as though you’ve had the toughest three years. Maybe now is a time for recover and recuperation?

  2. Zoe.....
    I'm making that wish for you.... and yes, also hoping you will learn to be comfortable putting yourself in the Number One Spot. One of the women I met at NBCC said something that I will remember (despite my CRAFT chemobrain-CRAFT=Can't Remember A F'ing Thing.... spoken by a doctor at Sloan Kettering's survivor celebration!).... Anyway.... hold on to this thought:
    "Yes, Right After ME, you come first." You earned it.....


  3. Hi Zoe

    I understand a bit more, now that I have seen this post. I thought about what it must be like for you, when you told us that you had lost your husband. I thought about how I would feel if that had happened to me.I would not stop loving, and it would be hard, as its substantially different from a relationship which breaks up, you grieve and come out on the other side or you choose to leave. You had a good relationship and still love your husband, whom you miss. A friend of mine went through the same thing (she lost one of my close friends - Graham - her hubby suddenly). It took her a very long time to grieve, accept, and then to slowly move on and open herself to the prospect of anything even resembling a relationship.

    You have been through hell and its going to take a long time to go through the grieving process - anger, acceptance which is the hardest and then moving on (always retaining his memory in a very special place that only he holds)especially since you lost him so suddenly (it's not fair I know). Its like the cancer, you want to feel angry because its so unfair (but you cannot direct your anger at anyone, it's just the way things have played out in life). I understand how you must miss him more now than anything else, as you have been through a rough time and you miss his love, support and hugs through all of this.

    I'm trying to understand and I think that no one would blame you if you did not rush into anything. You grieve at your own pace and when you come out on the other side you will decide what you are open to and ready for (re: relationships). Talk about him as much as you want to. We are here. It has to help?

    P.S I am making that wish for you too........Zoe



  4. Hi Zoe, I just found your blog -- what a story you have, and so much you have been through! You are very courageous. I just lost a friend to cancer and I know just a little of how tough it can be. I can't wait to read more of your journey! And hang in there .. you will get through this! xoxox

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