It's been five months since my cancer treatment ended in March and I have to admit I am finding things a struggle. Although my mind is calmer since having the all clear from the CT Scan I had it has just been filled by other worries, and physically I am still having problems with fatigue and finding the motivation to exercise.
I am having major issues with body image too, although I was lucky that I did not have to have a mastectomy the scarring and subsequent damage done by the radiotherapy has been upsetting me more than I thought it would. It's a horrible feeling looking at all the perfect breasted poster girls and actresses and feeling, well, deformed. And because I feel this way I project it onto my other half and just assume he must find me horrible to look at - which he assures me he does not.
I find it hard in a culture so obsessed with looks and perfection to accept this, even though I would never have considered myself to be bothered with image or looks - I am really struggling to understand why this bothers me so much! I will be seeing the plastic surgeon early next year after the radiotherapy has stopped working and done it's worst, and right now I'm hoping things can be rectified.
Physically I'm still tired much of the time and mustering any motivation to exercise is proving very difficult coupled with all the pressure I am starting to feel to start my life over again - sometimes its almost like you are afraid to start just in case you get sick again, and this again is something I am struggling to overcome.
It seems there are a million problems that come after treatment ends and as much as I try to take the physical and emotional side effects/problems on board and just get on with it, sometimes it does just get overwhelming. I do sit and wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all these doubts, worries and physical problems disappear - not just for me but for all the cancer fighters and survivors out there.
"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" - Hippocrates
Hey Zoe, I can only imagine what you are going through. I can totally understand the feelings of being scared to start over just in case you get sick again. Kinda like you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop!! I think you are doing awesome! Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog... it's an emotional roller coaster we're on isn't it.. You came this far, so obviously you are a very strong person! You can deal with this too.. like you said it needs time. I wish you all the best! XX
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