Feeling low...and unattractive...and useless......

Have been feeling very low and weepy lately, I was chatting with someone about blokes and it suddenly dawned on me that no-one fancies me any more - or at least that's how it feels.

Physically I am feeling so rubbish - I'm sick of taking tablets, sick of everything hurting, sick of scars, sick of having things wrong that have been exacerbated by the effects of Cancer.

Don't misunderstand - I am in a relationship now but I did used to have attention from other blokes - I wasn't bothered about that - sometimes it was just a nice ego boost to know that someone thinks you are a bit of alright!

These days I kind of feel like a ghost, people look through me, its like I have no substance nothing to make them want to smile or flirt or say something that makes me feel good about myself - its quite upsetting to realise this is happening, I don't actually remember the last time I felt attractive.

For example now if a bloke ever happens to glance at my chest (which I don't remember happening for a while) I worry its because they can see scars or maybe notice a difference because of the surgery.  To be perfectly frank its fucking depressing as hell.

No matter what, even when I make an effort I just seem to be invisible - I know it probably seems really superficial to be saying all this but having lost all of my confidence it is just another issue to deal with -a very real and upsetting one.

I wish I knew that there was one person out there that does not view me as a dried up old hag, because that it seriously how I feel right now, I know women are not supposed to care how men view them and blah blah blah but I love how it feels when a man pays me a compliment or makes me feel just a bit special - so fucking sue me!

Having issues with how you look is nothing new for women to deal with, its all around us every bloody day.  For me having what little confidence I did have taken away is getting to be a real issue.  My other half's best friend told me that as long as I am confident being myself and happy then what does it matter, but I'm not feeling either...just low and wanting to cry a lot and then for good measure feeling guilty about feeling like this because I know some people have it so much worse.

I can't win in my own head at the moment..I am not fishing for complements I just need to get these feelings off my chest, I keep so much of the crazy in, sometimes I just have to let a little out to stop myself going mad.

Sometimes I wish I was a man.......

F***ing Cancer!

Today is World Cancer Day, to do my bit I posted a picture of me giving Cancer the finger.  Childish it might be but sometimes it all makes me so mad!

I do have times where I get so angry with the whole thing, and if I could take Cancer and turn it into a person I would love to lock it in a room with me, and a very sharp pencil.

It just causes such heartache, such suffering and such problems - these things never go away, even now every ache and pain can turn into a huge drama.  I am nearly 3 years away from the end of treatment and have just now developed some weird condition on my affected side which they think is caused by my lymphatic system not working properly.  The Doctors were quite interested...I however am not quite so excited by another new problem.

I see people newly diagnosed and with recurrences and it knocks me sick, people with children, good people that in no way deserve it and I wish WISH I could take it all away from them. 

I don't do enough...I never feel like I am doing enough to help or raise awareness, I am involved in a project with the a Post Grad student from the University of Westminster which involved me appearing on film to talk about all of my experiences - I hope that when this film is released in whatever way that it does some good.

Cancer has affected my life for years...it will never stop affecting my life for one reason or another - there are millions of us and it just shouldn't be.  How do we stop it?  Will it end in my lifetime?  I hope so, and as it is in life we must always have hope......

Cancer vs Cancer

So, I don't know if you will have seen the Pancreatic Cancer Charity's new advertising campaign but I feel compelled to write something about it.

Seeing the tag line "I wish I had Breast Cancer" on a poster of a woman's face from this particular charity with no explanation left a bad taste in my mouth, I was immediately annoyed by it as I am sure many other people were.  After reading a bit more about this campaign - not just mentioning Breast Cancer but Testicular Cancer too I still am not quite sure what to make of it all.

OK - so looking at it in very general terms - yes, Breast and Testicular Cancer's have a far higher survival rates - but having lived through the disease I am not much for blanket generalisations.  I am very sure that some forms of Breast Cancer and Testicular Cancers have very low survival rates and just because some have high survival rates now - why would having Breast Cancer for example be any better that having Pancreatic Cancer?  You can't compare the two - all Cancers are different and affect people in different ways - I remember the Younger Women's Forum I attended - no one there had the same story to tell because the variations of the disease are massive.

 I just cannot get behind what seems like an argument between two petulant teenager's - "My Cancer's worse" - "No, My Cancers worse!"  I would wish no form of Cancer on anyone and can't help but feel that this kind of advertising is very irresponsible.  I did think for a while did they think - oh well, even negative advertising is good if it gets attention!

It's true all types of Cancer need more money, more research - basically need a cure - some more than others, but is pitting one Cancer against another a valid advertising strategy?

The pessimist in me wonders if in a way Breast Cancer Charities have bought this on themselves by always showing the "Pink and Fluffy" advertising, it has always worried me that people see Breast Cancer as non-threatening, a walk in the park - which it is in no way, shape or form, trust me.  This advertising campaign has taken advantage of that incorrect assumption and only reinforced it, which in my opinion is not a good thing.

Even now sitting here thinking about it I do not think they made the right choice with this "I Wish" campaign.  I hate Cancer, I wish it did not exist full stop, but I never once when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer sat around thinking "I wish I had Skin Cancer", and I can guarantee you that my Husband when he was diagnosed with Terminal Lung Cancer never sat round wishing he had some other form of this disease.  If you have Cancer, the only thing you should want is no Cancer.

I feel belittled by this campaign, why would you assume I had an easier time than you?  It is arrogant and unhelpful and reinforces a falsehood that my Cancer was or is less devastating than yours - whoever you may be.....I do not want to argue the point at all as the only thing I would say is "I wish Cancer did not Exist".

Mountains out of molehills?!?!?

So, its been a while, what can I say life has just taken over and I have been plodding on!  I have been in my job for 6 months now and don't seem to have any free time at all!  Health wise things have been up and down - unfortunately once you have had Cancer it's very easy to make mountains out of molehills but then I guess you kind of have to.  I have had some symptoms recently which because I am taking Tamoxifen the breast care nurses summoned me in to see the Oncologist, which I must admit worried me greatly as I have not seen my Oncologist since I finished chemo.

So after a bit of a chat I was referred to Gynaecology for an external & internal scan, on my next visit as they could see nothing on the scans they decided to do a biopsy of the lining of my uterus - this however not surprisingly came back as inconclusive as it bloody hurt and I could quite happily have kicked someone in the face to stop them continuing with the procedure!  So the next appointment was a full on let's have a good poke around with a camera, dignity well and truly out of the window type thing and we will get another biopsy while we are at it.....

Basically within the space of about 4 weeks 11 Doctors, Nurses and Medical Students have been at the business end of these procedures and far too close to my business end for my liking.

I found myself lying there wondering throughout the course of my life how many health care professionals have seen me "ladygarden out".....and as my last shred of dignity ebbs away I would have to say more than enough....

There are some comments in these situations that no other person (apart from the Doctor inserting items into places that I'd rather not discuss) can say, for example while having the no holds barred full on mooch about through some involuntary tensing I pushed out the speculum 3 times, which then had to be held in place...the comment "blimey you have got good muscles" was not what I was expecting to hear.....

So here I am now awaiting more results and again hoping for the best, although I am a big believer in better safe than sorry its a sad fact that the smallest symptom could potentially be something much bigger and the "molehill" becomes a "mountain" whether you like it or not. 

The scans and procedures could be all for nothing or they could save my life.....in the end a small price to pay.

Keep calm and carry on......

Summer is kind of an odd time for me - its the time of the anniversary of my surgery so that means annual mammogram time, then not too much later its the anniversary of my husbands passing as well as our wedding anniversary and unfortunately my Birthday.

I have had my second all clear this July but can't help wishing I could look forward to the summer with misty optimism instead of approaching it holding my breath and gritting my teeth against the barrage of emotions I have to deal with.

The further I get away from diagnosis and the end of my treatment the more relief I feel, and this time when I got the all clear I did manage to raise a smile.....

The truth is a lot has been going on the last couple of months - I have started working full time again after being out of the rat race for 4 years, and believe me it has been a shock to the system to say the very least.  I have also moved in with my chap and away from my Mom and Dad and my cats who I miss very, very much.
I guess its been a rather stressful time as it feels like the ending of one rather painful chapter of my life and the start of a new one.  Although there are remnants from this painful time that will influence the new story, I am determined not to let it rule me.  I think that's the beauty of free will, we can all choose how anything that happens to us affects us and how we react and deal with it.  I choose happiness, I choose moving forward, I choose to strive to achieve the things I want to do in my life. 

What do you choose?

Valentines Day

So this Valentines day was a lot different to that of 2012.  Valentines day 2012 was the last lot of chemotherapy I had as part of my treatment for Breast Cancer.  Last year I was being poisoned....this year thanks to my other half I was being treated to a meal at a lovely pub.  It really hit home after that how far I have come, it's been more than a year since my last chemo and next week will mark a year from when I completed my radiotherapy and the end of my Cancer treatment - sometimes it does not feel like that long ago and sometimes a million years.  I'm still having medical appointments to do with the aftermath of the Cancer, but not many.  The next hurdle will be my next check up in July where hopefully I will be getting to my first Cancer free anniversary after the all clear last year.  I have been told on a number of occasions that the further you get away from diagnosis the easier it gets to have a normal life and stop worrying so much...or maybe in my case the worrying about my Cancer coming back as just been replaced with worry about getting a job and being in a new relationship!
I sometimes still feel that my life is on hold and overcoming this block is no easy task, but hopefully as the good times thanks to the amazing people in my life cancel out the bad, the easier it will become, but I guess that is the way it works with all these trials and tribulations we all deal with - we sometimes need to stop and just enjoy the little things, be kinder to others and ultimately to ourselves - you don't need to do something big to change your life, what you give is what you receive, and wouldn't it be a good start if we began with what Valentines day is about - love and kindness.

New year...New hope?

So, it's 2013, a brand new year and after the last few years I can't help feeling more hopeful for the future.  Don't misunderstand I'm still scared, my body, heart and soul are still battered and bruised, but there is a ember of hope glowing in me just waiting to catch fire again.

I know this year will still be a struggle, I still have health issues, I'm still starting over with all the practicalities - job hunting, to be followed by a new place to live, still in the beginnings of a relationship and on top of all that still trying to find myself again - but now...she's there, under the surface, just waiting to re-emerge.

The hope makes me feel a million different things - sometimes I don't feel quite stable, but not in a bad way, my life over the last few years has had some incredible lows but born out of them some unexpected and amazing highs.

Something I have become so aware of to the point that it drives me crazy is how some people focus on the negatives all the time and the small things that really don't matter, it's no way to live.

I just wanted to take the opportunity to say have a wonderful new year, wipe the slate clean if needs be, change, do more, laugh more, experience things, love unconditionally and most importantly live this life of yours...you won't get the chance again.