So this Valentines day was a lot different to that of 2012. Valentines day 2012 was the last lot of chemotherapy I had as part of my treatment for Breast Cancer. Last year I was being poisoned....this year thanks to my other half I was being treated to a meal at a lovely pub. It really hit home after that how far I have come, it's been more than a year since my last chemo and next week will mark a year from when I completed my radiotherapy and the end of my Cancer treatment - sometimes it does not feel like that long ago and sometimes a million years. I'm still having medical appointments to do with the aftermath of the Cancer, but not many. The next hurdle will be my next check up in July where hopefully I will be getting to my first Cancer free anniversary after the all clear last year. I have been told on a number of occasions that the further you get away from diagnosis the easier it gets to have a normal life and stop worrying so much...or maybe in my case the worrying about my Cancer coming back as just been replaced with worry about getting a job and being in a new relationship!
I sometimes still feel that my life is on hold and overcoming this block is no easy task, but hopefully as the good times thanks to the amazing people in my life cancel out the bad, the easier it will become, but I guess that is the way it works with all these trials and tribulations we all deal with - we sometimes need to stop and just enjoy the little things, be kinder to others and ultimately to ourselves - you don't need to do something big to change your life, what you give is what you receive, and wouldn't it be a good start if we began with what Valentines day is about - love and kindness.
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Sunday, 6 January 2013
New year...New hope?
So, it's 2013, a brand new year and after the last few years I can't help feeling more hopeful for the future. Don't misunderstand I'm still scared, my body, heart and soul are still battered and bruised, but there is a ember of hope glowing in me just waiting to catch fire again.
I know this year will still be a struggle, I still have health issues, I'm still starting over with all the practicalities - job hunting, to be followed by a new place to live, still in the beginnings of a relationship and on top of all that still trying to find myself again - but now...she's there, under the surface, just waiting to re-emerge.
The hope makes me feel a million different things - sometimes I don't feel quite stable, but not in a bad way, my life over the last few years has had some incredible lows but born out of them some unexpected and amazing highs.
Something I have become so aware of to the point that it drives me crazy is how some people focus on the negatives all the time and the small things that really don't matter, it's no way to live.
I just wanted to take the opportunity to say have a wonderful new year, wipe the slate clean if needs be, change, do more, laugh more, experience things, love unconditionally and most importantly live this life of yours...you won't get the chance again.
I know this year will still be a struggle, I still have health issues, I'm still starting over with all the practicalities - job hunting, to be followed by a new place to live, still in the beginnings of a relationship and on top of all that still trying to find myself again - but now...she's there, under the surface, just waiting to re-emerge.
The hope makes me feel a million different things - sometimes I don't feel quite stable, but not in a bad way, my life over the last few years has had some incredible lows but born out of them some unexpected and amazing highs.
Something I have become so aware of to the point that it drives me crazy is how some people focus on the negatives all the time and the small things that really don't matter, it's no way to live.
I just wanted to take the opportunity to say have a wonderful new year, wipe the slate clean if needs be, change, do more, laugh more, experience things, love unconditionally and most importantly live this life of yours...you won't get the chance again.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Moving.....Backwards?!?!?!
So, it's December and I've just finished a post Breast Cancer Course called Moving Forward. I did really enjoy it and it was very useful.....unfortunately other factors have made me feel like I'm actually going backwards.
I have recently been diagnosed with Lymphoedema and had my assessment with the local Lymphoedema Nurse a few days ago, it was not a good couple of hours, my arm is buggered at the moment, lots of nerve damage from the surgery and she also diagnosed me with Cellulitis in the affected breast as well as the original problem of Lymphoedema! So armed with antibiotics I came away and had a good cry with the words "you are not looking after yourself enough" ringing in my ears.
I think maybe I've gotten ahead of myself, trying to con myself into thinking I'm OK when quite obviously I'm not. But I want to be, and therein lies the problem. I'm falling over myself to try and be normal and to be back where I was before my diagnosis and in doing that I've not done myself any favours.
So after my horrible few days some advice, take care of yourself, you are the only one who knows you well enough to know what is good for you and at this time when we are all struggling to get back to "normality" whatever that is, be especially kind to yourself, put yourself first - the world will not end if you do.
I have recently been diagnosed with Lymphoedema and had my assessment with the local Lymphoedema Nurse a few days ago, it was not a good couple of hours, my arm is buggered at the moment, lots of nerve damage from the surgery and she also diagnosed me with Cellulitis in the affected breast as well as the original problem of Lymphoedema! So armed with antibiotics I came away and had a good cry with the words "you are not looking after yourself enough" ringing in my ears.
I think maybe I've gotten ahead of myself, trying to con myself into thinking I'm OK when quite obviously I'm not. But I want to be, and therein lies the problem. I'm falling over myself to try and be normal and to be back where I was before my diagnosis and in doing that I've not done myself any favours.
So after my horrible few days some advice, take care of yourself, you are the only one who knows you well enough to know what is good for you and at this time when we are all struggling to get back to "normality" whatever that is, be especially kind to yourself, put yourself first - the world will not end if you do.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Breast Cancer Awareness
So, its October again and Breast Cancer Awareness month to boot. I hear a lot of discussion both positive and negative to do with BC Awareness campaigns - but is any publicity really bad publicity in this instance?
Everyone is different in how they react to a charity or awareness campaign - some prefer to see the harsh gritty reality and some prefer the softer approach - the cuddly toy or in Breast Cancer's case the Pink Ribbon.
I personally like both and feel that both have there place, for instance I put a link to the Scar Project up on my Facebook page, their tag line being "Breast Cancer is Not a Pink Ribbon", and yes they are right the harsh reality of Breast Cancer is not soft and cuddly. The point being I exposed a group of friends to something very honest and that some may find uncomfortable viewing, but I was quite surprised when a close male friend said he had looked at the link and was absolutely blown away by the honesty and bravery of the project, I think it also helped him understand more about what I was going through and enabled us as friends to speak more freely about it.
But on the flip side of this the Pink Ribbon is one of the most recognised awareness symbols today and a lot of big brands have jumped on the "Pink" bandwagon giving a percentage of the profits from their "Pink" items to Breast Cancer Charities. I don't think there is anything wrong with the Pink and fluffy approach but maybe we are becoming too focused on the product and the symbol and the actual message is getting lost - Breast Cancer is a killer, anyone can get it and we should know what to look for - but even with all the "Pink" awareness people still don't know what to look for and still ignore the symptoms! This is why I say that maybe the focus is sometimes too much in the wrong direction.
I think also it is an interesting debate as to what retailers / brands the Breast Cancer Charities are joining up with - I think one that I saw that I really was unsure about was KFC!
At the end of the day any awareness campaign is good but I think that certainly the more commercial campaigns should be looking for a better way to get the real message across instead of just thinking about their profit margin.
Everyone is different in how they react to a charity or awareness campaign - some prefer to see the harsh gritty reality and some prefer the softer approach - the cuddly toy or in Breast Cancer's case the Pink Ribbon.
I personally like both and feel that both have there place, for instance I put a link to the Scar Project up on my Facebook page, their tag line being "Breast Cancer is Not a Pink Ribbon", and yes they are right the harsh reality of Breast Cancer is not soft and cuddly. The point being I exposed a group of friends to something very honest and that some may find uncomfortable viewing, but I was quite surprised when a close male friend said he had looked at the link and was absolutely blown away by the honesty and bravery of the project, I think it also helped him understand more about what I was going through and enabled us as friends to speak more freely about it.
But on the flip side of this the Pink Ribbon is one of the most recognised awareness symbols today and a lot of big brands have jumped on the "Pink" bandwagon giving a percentage of the profits from their "Pink" items to Breast Cancer Charities. I don't think there is anything wrong with the Pink and fluffy approach but maybe we are becoming too focused on the product and the symbol and the actual message is getting lost - Breast Cancer is a killer, anyone can get it and we should know what to look for - but even with all the "Pink" awareness people still don't know what to look for and still ignore the symptoms! This is why I say that maybe the focus is sometimes too much in the wrong direction.
I think also it is an interesting debate as to what retailers / brands the Breast Cancer Charities are joining up with - I think one that I saw that I really was unsure about was KFC!
At the end of the day any awareness campaign is good but I think that certainly the more commercial campaigns should be looking for a better way to get the real message across instead of just thinking about their profit margin.
Monday, 3 September 2012
Struggling along...
It's been five months since my cancer treatment ended in March and I have to admit I am finding things a struggle. Although my mind is calmer since having the all clear from the CT Scan I had it has just been filled by other worries, and physically I am still having problems with fatigue and finding the motivation to exercise.
I am having major issues with body image too, although I was lucky that I did not have to have a mastectomy the scarring and subsequent damage done by the radiotherapy has been upsetting me more than I thought it would. It's a horrible feeling looking at all the perfect breasted poster girls and actresses and feeling, well, deformed. And because I feel this way I project it onto my other half and just assume he must find me horrible to look at - which he assures me he does not.
I find it hard in a culture so obsessed with looks and perfection to accept this, even though I would never have considered myself to be bothered with image or looks - I am really struggling to understand why this bothers me so much! I will be seeing the plastic surgeon early next year after the radiotherapy has stopped working and done it's worst, and right now I'm hoping things can be rectified.
Physically I'm still tired much of the time and mustering any motivation to exercise is proving very difficult coupled with all the pressure I am starting to feel to start my life over again - sometimes its almost like you are afraid to start just in case you get sick again, and this again is something I am struggling to overcome.
It seems there are a million problems that come after treatment ends and as much as I try to take the physical and emotional side effects/problems on board and just get on with it, sometimes it does just get overwhelming. I do sit and wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all these doubts, worries and physical problems disappear - not just for me but for all the cancer fighters and survivors out there.
"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" - Hippocrates
I am having major issues with body image too, although I was lucky that I did not have to have a mastectomy the scarring and subsequent damage done by the radiotherapy has been upsetting me more than I thought it would. It's a horrible feeling looking at all the perfect breasted poster girls and actresses and feeling, well, deformed. And because I feel this way I project it onto my other half and just assume he must find me horrible to look at - which he assures me he does not.
I find it hard in a culture so obsessed with looks and perfection to accept this, even though I would never have considered myself to be bothered with image or looks - I am really struggling to understand why this bothers me so much! I will be seeing the plastic surgeon early next year after the radiotherapy has stopped working and done it's worst, and right now I'm hoping things can be rectified.
Physically I'm still tired much of the time and mustering any motivation to exercise is proving very difficult coupled with all the pressure I am starting to feel to start my life over again - sometimes its almost like you are afraid to start just in case you get sick again, and this again is something I am struggling to overcome.
It seems there are a million problems that come after treatment ends and as much as I try to take the physical and emotional side effects/problems on board and just get on with it, sometimes it does just get overwhelming. I do sit and wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all these doubts, worries and physical problems disappear - not just for me but for all the cancer fighters and survivors out there.
"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" - Hippocrates
Friday, 6 July 2012
My Body the Stranger
Over the past year since it let me down, my body has become a stranger. Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't - now any ache or pain and I panic - and yes I guess after what has happened this is a normal thing.
So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice. The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear. The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them. I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went. On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.
I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me! I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine! Far from it in fact!
Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something. It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance. My timing couldn't be much worse.
I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop? When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back? I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.
So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice. The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear. The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them. I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went. On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.
I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me! I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine! Far from it in fact!
Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something. It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance. My timing couldn't be much worse.
I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop? When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back? I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Lost Love
Before I was diagnosed in June 2011 I had just about reached a point after my losing my husband in August 2009 where it would have been nice to meet someone. However then being diagnosed with Breast Cancer somewhat stopped me in my tracks.
Towards the end of my treatment I did start to really miss the affection and love that being with the right person brings, I jumped into something...probably far too fast and found that I couldn't start to sort myself out, which I am basically having to do from scratch, and put in the effort required to keep the relationship going. If I was in an established relationship I have no doubt it would be different.
I think I need to be selfish for a while - no that's wrong - maybe I just need to put myself first for a change and really sort out my head after what has been the worst three years of my life. Sometimes I think I make light of it to stop myself from facing it all because when I do like now for example it makes me fall apart, and it also reminds me that the one person above all others that I want to be here to put me back together isn't and never will be again.
It is nearing 3 years since my husband died, 3 years since I felt his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and loved, it makes my heart ache. I can honestly say I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything, that feeling never went away and if anything just grew stronger as time went on.
I just feel like I want to tell people, if you have that love, the love that brings out the best in both of you in every way, hold on tight to it, never, never take it for granted and maybe you can make a wish for me, that when I am ready I will get a love like that back again someday.
Towards the end of my treatment I did start to really miss the affection and love that being with the right person brings, I jumped into something...probably far too fast and found that I couldn't start to sort myself out, which I am basically having to do from scratch, and put in the effort required to keep the relationship going. If I was in an established relationship I have no doubt it would be different.
I think I need to be selfish for a while - no that's wrong - maybe I just need to put myself first for a change and really sort out my head after what has been the worst three years of my life. Sometimes I think I make light of it to stop myself from facing it all because when I do like now for example it makes me fall apart, and it also reminds me that the one person above all others that I want to be here to put me back together isn't and never will be again.
It is nearing 3 years since my husband died, 3 years since I felt his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and loved, it makes my heart ache. I can honestly say I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything, that feeling never went away and if anything just grew stronger as time went on.
I just feel like I want to tell people, if you have that love, the love that brings out the best in both of you in every way, hold on tight to it, never, never take it for granted and maybe you can make a wish for me, that when I am ready I will get a love like that back again someday.
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