So, I'm nearly done with Chemo and my hair is back - I still look like a tennis ball as its very short but I could now go without my wig. The problem is I can't seem to take the step of giving it up.
It seems silly to me that getting back to normality could cause me such angst, but I guess its more peoples reactions that I'm worried about - which really isn't like me at all. Being so short I know people will look at my hair and probably think to themselves "Hmmmm Cancer" and I don't want to be treated any differently because of that. And lets face it - my hair like this - not a fashion statement!
I think my reluctance to let the wig go is because before I lost it all I had really long hair to hide behind and my wig affords me the same option! It's a confidence thing too - although short hair does suit me I just feel....well naked without my mane!
I'm sure a lot of the women who lose their hair through chemo or other reasons go through this but I wasn't expecting to be so bothered by it, it's just hair for God's sake! Why should I care what anyone thinks? It will grow back properly soon enough!
So now the question is.....when will I be brave enough to lose the wig? I will be going out for lunch with some friends in a few days...should I just take the plunge? I will keep you posted!!
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
How do they see me now?
Over the last few months I have been called lots of things, inspiring, amazing, wonderful and even a hero. These very generous comments have come from family, friends and more often than not strangers. But I have to say as flattering as these comments are, I don't believe the hype. I am honoured to be able to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and other issues and will help anyone in any way I can but I don't see myself as anything special....I'm just me.
It does make me wonder though how other people in my life really see me now? Am I still the same Zoe as I was before all the body blows life has dealt me or am I someone different? I find it interesting now that after what I've been through some people want to keep me close while others want to push me away - I think this comes down to fear & how you react when someone you know has a life threatening illness - do you keep them close & relish your time with them or do you push them away because if something went wrong and you did lose them, could you cope?
I think generally my friends and family that have been around me during my treatment are relieved that I have been quite lucky in that I have not had any major traumas or been very very ill. There has only been one point where my Mom has said that I did look very poorly and that did scare her so all in all I think we have done OK!! I know that my parents have found this hard but my relationship with them is all the stronger for it - I try to be mindful that although I am the one who is sick they have had to face the prospect that they could lose me - I remember vividly the horror on my Mothers face when my Consultant said "you should live for another 10 years" - at 34 its not exactly much time!
Relationships during a time like this are always changing because the situation is, I think I try my best not to moan & to just get on with it but its always amazing to have support from family and friends and I hope that they know just how much I love and appreciate them and always will.
It does make me wonder though how other people in my life really see me now? Am I still the same Zoe as I was before all the body blows life has dealt me or am I someone different? I find it interesting now that after what I've been through some people want to keep me close while others want to push me away - I think this comes down to fear & how you react when someone you know has a life threatening illness - do you keep them close & relish your time with them or do you push them away because if something went wrong and you did lose them, could you cope?
I think generally my friends and family that have been around me during my treatment are relieved that I have been quite lucky in that I have not had any major traumas or been very very ill. There has only been one point where my Mom has said that I did look very poorly and that did scare her so all in all I think we have done OK!! I know that my parents have found this hard but my relationship with them is all the stronger for it - I try to be mindful that although I am the one who is sick they have had to face the prospect that they could lose me - I remember vividly the horror on my Mothers face when my Consultant said "you should live for another 10 years" - at 34 its not exactly much time!
Relationships during a time like this are always changing because the situation is, I think I try my best not to moan & to just get on with it but its always amazing to have support from family and friends and I hope that they know just how much I love and appreciate them and always will.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Help Wanted
When my Husband passed away from Lung Cancer I was, well there is not really a word I can use that would do the feelings of loss, devestation and sorrow justice. I was contacted a few days after by St Giles Hospice that would have provided Palliative Care to my Husband (if he had survived to that point) asking if I wanted to speak to one of their Councillors (free of charge of course as St Giles are a Charity) - I didn't - it was all too raw at that point so I declined the offer.
A few weeks later whilst sitting on the arm of my sofa, alone in the flat I shared with my Husband and sobbing like a baby I had what some Alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity - I was not going to make it through this alone. And by that I am not saying I had no support, I did, friends and family were amazing, but the trauma of losing my husband so young and so fast left me wanting to talk about things that I couldn't with people I knew. It is very hard to talk to someone you know sometimes as they get upset or don't know how to react, or just can't cope with the feelings someone in my position had, and lets face it the people that knew my Husband had their own grief to cope with aswell.
After my moment I called and arranged a meeting with the Hospice's Department Head for the Councelling and we talked about what had happened, she then assigned me a Councillor. I don't think it would be a lie to say I would not have made it throught the next year without her help. I had some extremely low times and did briefly contemplate ending it all as the pain was too much to bear. I had sessions where all I could do was cry or not say much at all - but that was ok, someone was listening and understanding and could speak to me from a place where they were not emotionally involved, although it must be terribly hard to deal with some of the things widowed people talk about.
My Councillor helped me start remembering the fun times my Husband and I had as all I could think of at first was him being terribly ill and losing him. But it was all the other things that comes with being Widowed too, I had to move out of our flat, the place we were happy, the place where we got married, it was heartbreaking to leave. I also couldn't face going back to work as that was where we met and where he came to do work - I remember one Valentines day getting in to work and he had already been in and left a Red Rose and a "Love Monkey" toy sat on my desk :-)
Losing someone you love changes your whole life and had I not had the support I did the outcome might have been very different indeed. I owe a lot to my Councillor and will never forget the help and advice she gave me.
Just to clarify for you, I didn't ever ask for help in my life, I always thought I was strong enough to cope with anything life threw at me alone, so to do what I did by asking for help from St Giles for me at first made me feel weak and needy - but I am here to tell you, don't ever think that, asking for help when you need it is sometimes the bravest thing you can do.
A few weeks later whilst sitting on the arm of my sofa, alone in the flat I shared with my Husband and sobbing like a baby I had what some Alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity - I was not going to make it through this alone. And by that I am not saying I had no support, I did, friends and family were amazing, but the trauma of losing my husband so young and so fast left me wanting to talk about things that I couldn't with people I knew. It is very hard to talk to someone you know sometimes as they get upset or don't know how to react, or just can't cope with the feelings someone in my position had, and lets face it the people that knew my Husband had their own grief to cope with aswell.
After my moment I called and arranged a meeting with the Hospice's Department Head for the Councelling and we talked about what had happened, she then assigned me a Councillor. I don't think it would be a lie to say I would not have made it throught the next year without her help. I had some extremely low times and did briefly contemplate ending it all as the pain was too much to bear. I had sessions where all I could do was cry or not say much at all - but that was ok, someone was listening and understanding and could speak to me from a place where they were not emotionally involved, although it must be terribly hard to deal with some of the things widowed people talk about.
My Councillor helped me start remembering the fun times my Husband and I had as all I could think of at first was him being terribly ill and losing him. But it was all the other things that comes with being Widowed too, I had to move out of our flat, the place we were happy, the place where we got married, it was heartbreaking to leave. I also couldn't face going back to work as that was where we met and where he came to do work - I remember one Valentines day getting in to work and he had already been in and left a Red Rose and a "Love Monkey" toy sat on my desk :-)
Losing someone you love changes your whole life and had I not had the support I did the outcome might have been very different indeed. I owe a lot to my Councillor and will never forget the help and advice she gave me.
Just to clarify for you, I didn't ever ask for help in my life, I always thought I was strong enough to cope with anything life threw at me alone, so to do what I did by asking for help from St Giles for me at first made me feel weak and needy - but I am here to tell you, don't ever think that, asking for help when you need it is sometimes the bravest thing you can do.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
The Fear
I hope Erin does not mind but I am stealing her Blog title after reading it as I think it is definitely a subject worth talking about!
Being close to the end of my treatment I find myself worrying more and more about my Cancer returning in one way or another. I just feel that in the past 8 months I have been through a lot and thinking about my treatment finishing makes me a little teary as I will be so glad its over. The Fear however gets worse as this approaches - what if it does come back? I'm not sure I would have the strength either physically or mentally to do this all again. And what if I did find something that needed to be investigated, would I tell anyone? Would I want to put anyone through that?
When I originally found my lump I did not tell anyone, I did all of the appointments alone, I did question my decision at the time but I guess like anyone in that position you always hope it will be nothing so there will be nothing to tell. However when it is something telling people is hard - especially when like me you have kept it all secret, I felt terrible when I told my parents, I literally came home from the hospital after being told myself and dropped this bombshell on them - in hindsight I am still not sure I did the right thing.
I guess if my Husband was here I would have told people as it would have been much harder to keep it secret, but now if I found something would I tell? I'm still not sure.
The Fear sits at the back of my mind all the time and I will have to learn to deal with it, but that's hard when you are constantly at odds with your own body - every twinge or pain comes with a side of dread that something is wrong and checking my boobs now is an ordeal in itself that comes with a hefty sigh of relief that so far nothing else has appeared.
I suppose in time I will make peace with my body again and in a way that will help me deal with The Fear as I will again get used to what is normal for me and know when something is amiss.
The psychological effects of having Cancer I don't think will ever go away, and I hope that in time The Fear will become less of a feature in my mind - as with anything it will take time to make my peace with the fact that my Cancer could come back, but one thing I know is that if it did I have amazing family and friends to help me through, I couldn't ask for any better.
Being close to the end of my treatment I find myself worrying more and more about my Cancer returning in one way or another. I just feel that in the past 8 months I have been through a lot and thinking about my treatment finishing makes me a little teary as I will be so glad its over. The Fear however gets worse as this approaches - what if it does come back? I'm not sure I would have the strength either physically or mentally to do this all again. And what if I did find something that needed to be investigated, would I tell anyone? Would I want to put anyone through that?
When I originally found my lump I did not tell anyone, I did all of the appointments alone, I did question my decision at the time but I guess like anyone in that position you always hope it will be nothing so there will be nothing to tell. However when it is something telling people is hard - especially when like me you have kept it all secret, I felt terrible when I told my parents, I literally came home from the hospital after being told myself and dropped this bombshell on them - in hindsight I am still not sure I did the right thing.
I guess if my Husband was here I would have told people as it would have been much harder to keep it secret, but now if I found something would I tell? I'm still not sure.
The Fear sits at the back of my mind all the time and I will have to learn to deal with it, but that's hard when you are constantly at odds with your own body - every twinge or pain comes with a side of dread that something is wrong and checking my boobs now is an ordeal in itself that comes with a hefty sigh of relief that so far nothing else has appeared.
I suppose in time I will make peace with my body again and in a way that will help me deal with The Fear as I will again get used to what is normal for me and know when something is amiss.
The psychological effects of having Cancer I don't think will ever go away, and I hope that in time The Fear will become less of a feature in my mind - as with anything it will take time to make my peace with the fact that my Cancer could come back, but one thing I know is that if it did I have amazing family and friends to help me through, I couldn't ask for any better.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Babies
I guess it must be the time of year, lots of piccies of cutie kids and babies on Facebook and on TV that is making me think about having my own family. I guess it is a two sided thing, I also see so many terrible things on TV and in the papers about children being abused and abandoned by the very people that had then in the first place - its things like that that really make me despair about the human condition. Then on the other hand I see my friends and family who are amazing parents and it restores my faith.
There is a quote that I always think of when it comes to parenting from the movie 'Parenthood' but I think it applies to mothers as well as fathers:
"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
It always makes me think because there are no laws no rules about who can become a parent when it is the most important thing you will ever do.
I guess I'm thinking about all this because of my situation now and how it is going to affect this issue in the future - for me to have a child it will be a conscious decision and a lot of effort. I was never what you would call maternal when I was younger - on my list of things to do having a child would have been somewhere near the bottom of the list. The first time I think I ever considered it would have been when I met my husband, he was the person I would have liked to have a child with, mainly because of the man he was - kind, funny, generous a good person - traits which I see in his grown children now which makes me happy to witness.
Thinking about all of this now I feel a little lost because I don't know if it will ever happen for me - for one I have no chap in my life and that would kind of be a useful start! But there are other issues that are on the table. Because of my Cancer and having Chemotherapy there is a good chance that the Chemo could have knackered my baby plumbing for good but I won't know that until I try for a baby. When was diagnosed I was offered the opportunity to have eggs harvested because this was a possibility, and at the time I said yes definitely! All I could think was I needed to make sure I had the opportunity in the future to have my own child. However after discussion with the fertility doc and my oncologist things changed. My type of Cancer is actually made worse by Oestrogen, so basically the hormone my own body produces as a woman was feeding my Cancer, on a scale of 1-8 I'm a 7 so its pretty high. To harvest eggs they would have had to inject me with massive amounts of hormones so I was faced with a dilemma - do I throw petrol on a fire & just hope it makes it no worse? In the end the answer was no, I decided I needed to make my life a simple as possible and decided to leave this up to fate. If it's meant to be it will happen.
Of course I then have to wait, they like you to wait at least 2 years after your completing of treatment to try for children, but for me because I will be on hormone treatment for 5 years they don't like you to have babies at all while you are on that! So come my 40th Birthday I should be there or there abouts!!
I know there are other options for someone like me and to be fair given the right circumstances I would adopt. But there is that part of me that wishes I could experience having a child grow inside me, and who knows, maybe one day in the future I will.
There is a quote that I always think of when it comes to parenting from the movie 'Parenthood' but I think it applies to mothers as well as fathers:
"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
It always makes me think because there are no laws no rules about who can become a parent when it is the most important thing you will ever do.
I guess I'm thinking about all this because of my situation now and how it is going to affect this issue in the future - for me to have a child it will be a conscious decision and a lot of effort. I was never what you would call maternal when I was younger - on my list of things to do having a child would have been somewhere near the bottom of the list. The first time I think I ever considered it would have been when I met my husband, he was the person I would have liked to have a child with, mainly because of the man he was - kind, funny, generous a good person - traits which I see in his grown children now which makes me happy to witness.
Thinking about all of this now I feel a little lost because I don't know if it will ever happen for me - for one I have no chap in my life and that would kind of be a useful start! But there are other issues that are on the table. Because of my Cancer and having Chemotherapy there is a good chance that the Chemo could have knackered my baby plumbing for good but I won't know that until I try for a baby. When was diagnosed I was offered the opportunity to have eggs harvested because this was a possibility, and at the time I said yes definitely! All I could think was I needed to make sure I had the opportunity in the future to have my own child. However after discussion with the fertility doc and my oncologist things changed. My type of Cancer is actually made worse by Oestrogen, so basically the hormone my own body produces as a woman was feeding my Cancer, on a scale of 1-8 I'm a 7 so its pretty high. To harvest eggs they would have had to inject me with massive amounts of hormones so I was faced with a dilemma - do I throw petrol on a fire & just hope it makes it no worse? In the end the answer was no, I decided I needed to make my life a simple as possible and decided to leave this up to fate. If it's meant to be it will happen.
Of course I then have to wait, they like you to wait at least 2 years after your completing of treatment to try for children, but for me because I will be on hormone treatment for 5 years they don't like you to have babies at all while you are on that! So come my 40th Birthday I should be there or there abouts!!
I know there are other options for someone like me and to be fair given the right circumstances I would adopt. But there is that part of me that wishes I could experience having a child grow inside me, and who knows, maybe one day in the future I will.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
How much to know?
When I was diagnosed with Cancer the only thing I wanted to know was "Is this going to kill me?" Thankfully the answer was no, my Cancer was caught early and very treatable. A few months on and after the roller coaster of tests and treatment has calmed down I have found myself thinking more and more about my prognosis.
Having spoken to many people about their experiences I find it very interesting the huge differences in what people want to know about their illness. For example my Husband, when he was diagnosed it was already a terminal illness and he made it very clear that he did not want to know how long he had left to live or how much "extra time" any treatment would give him. I had an idea but we never discussed it and in hindsight him knowing would not have made any difference, unfortunately my Husband never had the chance to have any treatment as he was just too poorly and passed away before he had chance to fight, which he was so adamant that he was going to do, which broke another piece of my heart.
I guess the truth is that more often than not when you have something like Cancer its easy to scare yourself into thinking that the Cancer will be the thing that kills you, when in reality there are a whole bunch of other things that could finish you off - it might be a morbid thing to say but it also happens to be true, there is always a possibility I could get hit by a Bus tomorrow so Cancer be buggered!
Well, I wish it was that simple not to worry but that is now my dilemma. Statistically yes I have a higher chance now of getting Cancer again in the future so how do I cope with that? What can I do or ask to get to a point where I can live without it being a huge elephant in the room?
At the moment I am discussing things with my oncologist about my further treatment beyond the Chemo, but then I have to try and balance that with the fact that I want my life back, I want to travel to work to go out for a beer to have a boyfriend all these things that people take for granted...just to feel normal. But like I said the more I worry the more I may have a tendency to put myself through harsher treatments to prevent the Cancer returning so all of that would have to wait again!
Its a horrible feeling right now to be so unsure what to do, there are no guarantees here and I know that, if the Cancer is going to come back it will, and I will just have to deal with it. Then on the other hand I want to give myself the best chance......its all based on research and statistics and I am finding the total uncertainty hard to cope with.
In the end I will do what is best for me and make my peace with what has happened to me and all of the implications it has, but for now I just have to remember that nothing is written and that no matter what I do life is a huge leap of faith and I just want to enjoy the ride.......
Having spoken to many people about their experiences I find it very interesting the huge differences in what people want to know about their illness. For example my Husband, when he was diagnosed it was already a terminal illness and he made it very clear that he did not want to know how long he had left to live or how much "extra time" any treatment would give him. I had an idea but we never discussed it and in hindsight him knowing would not have made any difference, unfortunately my Husband never had the chance to have any treatment as he was just too poorly and passed away before he had chance to fight, which he was so adamant that he was going to do, which broke another piece of my heart.
I guess the truth is that more often than not when you have something like Cancer its easy to scare yourself into thinking that the Cancer will be the thing that kills you, when in reality there are a whole bunch of other things that could finish you off - it might be a morbid thing to say but it also happens to be true, there is always a possibility I could get hit by a Bus tomorrow so Cancer be buggered!
Well, I wish it was that simple not to worry but that is now my dilemma. Statistically yes I have a higher chance now of getting Cancer again in the future so how do I cope with that? What can I do or ask to get to a point where I can live without it being a huge elephant in the room?
At the moment I am discussing things with my oncologist about my further treatment beyond the Chemo, but then I have to try and balance that with the fact that I want my life back, I want to travel to work to go out for a beer to have a boyfriend all these things that people take for granted...just to feel normal. But like I said the more I worry the more I may have a tendency to put myself through harsher treatments to prevent the Cancer returning so all of that would have to wait again!
Its a horrible feeling right now to be so unsure what to do, there are no guarantees here and I know that, if the Cancer is going to come back it will, and I will just have to deal with it. Then on the other hand I want to give myself the best chance......its all based on research and statistics and I am finding the total uncertainty hard to cope with.
In the end I will do what is best for me and make my peace with what has happened to me and all of the implications it has, but for now I just have to remember that nothing is written and that no matter what I do life is a huge leap of faith and I just want to enjoy the ride.......
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Fears
When someone asks you what you are afraid of what do you say? Heights, Spiders or any number of irrational things? I am no different, if I was asked I would say Flying, Zombies and Spiders. However I say I'm scared of these things but I have flown all over the world - admittedly I am not the best person to travel with on a plane and I do believe it is the collective will of the people on board that keep it in the air, but nevertheless I still do it. Zombies - completely irrational as Ive never met one (and hope never to meet one). Spiders - would never touch one but will rescue them and put them outside.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are braver than we think because I think its things we don't admit to or even think about in some cases that are really frightening. For example why when I am asked what I am frightened of don't I say bereavement/loss, serious illness or being alone? Maybe its because we expose ourselves to things like this without even thinking about it, we do it by loving someone. Be it family, friends or partners we risk huge heartbreak everyday because no-one knows when their time will come or if they will get ill, it is not something you can screen for before you agree to love someone so you don't get hurt. But would you change it if you could? If I had a time machine and could go back and not get together with my Husband knowing what I know now would I do it? The answer will always be no. I would never give up the time I had with him, even though losing him broke my heart into a million pieces.
Now I think my biggest fear is being alone, I am hopeful that it will not be the case but this fear is linked to the others, in that because of my illness will anyone want me? and even if they do can I overcome the fear of loss to take the plunge? I know that now is not really the right time as I have to put my energy into getting well but sometimes I feel....broken, and honestly who will want someone with all these problems to deal with? I know I shouldn't think like that but sometimes I do....
I recently had my palm read and was told that I feared loss and that this fear was linked to my last relationship...spot on really! But I have to face this fear because if I ever meet someone I have to be willing to love completely and not hold back to stop myself getting hurt again, and although it makes me feel sick to think I could be in this position again, I know it is something I have to do because at the end of the day.... what is life without love?
I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are braver than we think because I think its things we don't admit to or even think about in some cases that are really frightening. For example why when I am asked what I am frightened of don't I say bereavement/loss, serious illness or being alone? Maybe its because we expose ourselves to things like this without even thinking about it, we do it by loving someone. Be it family, friends or partners we risk huge heartbreak everyday because no-one knows when their time will come or if they will get ill, it is not something you can screen for before you agree to love someone so you don't get hurt. But would you change it if you could? If I had a time machine and could go back and not get together with my Husband knowing what I know now would I do it? The answer will always be no. I would never give up the time I had with him, even though losing him broke my heart into a million pieces.
Now I think my biggest fear is being alone, I am hopeful that it will not be the case but this fear is linked to the others, in that because of my illness will anyone want me? and even if they do can I overcome the fear of loss to take the plunge? I know that now is not really the right time as I have to put my energy into getting well but sometimes I feel....broken, and honestly who will want someone with all these problems to deal with? I know I shouldn't think like that but sometimes I do....
I recently had my palm read and was told that I feared loss and that this fear was linked to my last relationship...spot on really! But I have to face this fear because if I ever meet someone I have to be willing to love completely and not hold back to stop myself getting hurt again, and although it makes me feel sick to think I could be in this position again, I know it is something I have to do because at the end of the day.... what is life without love?
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