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Thursday, 3 November 2011

Fears

When someone asks you what you are afraid of what do you say?  Heights, Spiders or any number of irrational things?  I am no different, if I was asked I would say Flying, Zombies and Spiders.  However I say I'm scared of these things but I have flown all over the world - admittedly I am not the best person to travel with on a plane and I do believe it is the collective will of the people on board that keep it in the air, but nevertheless I still do it.  Zombies - completely irrational as Ive never met one (and hope never to meet one).  Spiders - would never touch one but will rescue them and put them outside.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are braver than we think because I think its things we don't admit to or even think about in some cases that are really frightening.  For example why when I am asked what I am frightened of don't I say bereavement/loss, serious illness or being alone?  Maybe its because we expose ourselves to things like this without even thinking about it, we do it by loving someone.  Be it family, friends or partners we risk huge heartbreak everyday because no-one knows when their time will come or if they will get ill, it is not something you can screen for before you agree to love someone so you don't get hurt.  But would you change it if you could?  If I had a time machine and could go back and not get together with my Husband knowing what I know now would I do it?  The answer will always be no.  I would never give up the time I had with him, even though losing him broke my heart into a million pieces.

Now I think my biggest fear is being alone, I am hopeful that it will not be the case but this fear is linked to the others, in that because of my illness will anyone want me? and even if they do can I overcome the fear of loss to take the plunge?  I know that now is not really the right time as I have to put my energy into getting well but sometimes I feel....broken, and honestly who will want someone with all these problems to deal with?   I know I shouldn't think like that but sometimes I do....

I recently had my palm read and was told that I feared loss and that this fear was linked to my last relationship...spot on really!  But I have to face this fear because if I ever meet someone I have to be willing to love completely and not hold back to stop myself getting hurt again, and although it makes me feel sick to think I could be in this position again, I know it is something I have to do because at the end of the day.... what is life without love?

2 comments:

  1. i myself can really relate to what you've written. i have fears too - who doesn't, they must be god!. i fear of being tied up with a man eventhough i know i have true feelings for them. i've been with different relationship but i haven't really stick with a guy because of my fears. i fear of being hurt in a relationship as time gets along, i fear of infidelity - both from me and my partner. maybe in time we'll all learn how to face our fears and be brave enough to fight them, till then we can say that we are ready for greater ahead!

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  2. I can relate to your fears as well. I have just recently broken free of a very disfunctional relationship. He couldn't cope with my injury and my chronic pain. Instead of leaving he would drink, then tell me he was sick of my headache. It was so hurtful, that I am not sure that I would want to try again-should love come knocking again.
    I am broken, and now after my two surgeries...scared and somewhat disfigured with a battery bulging out of my abdomen. My activity is still limited with pain, even though my pain is less.
    I am not sure that I am brave enough to try again. That is ok with me for now because I surrounded by many friends that love me just the way I am. The question is will I crave that again some day?
    I hope you are never alone Zoe

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