Have been feeling very low and weepy lately, I was chatting with someone about blokes and it suddenly dawned on me that no-one fancies me any more - or at least that's how it feels.
Physically I am feeling so rubbish - I'm sick of taking tablets, sick of everything hurting, sick of scars, sick of having things wrong that have been exacerbated by the effects of Cancer.
Don't misunderstand - I am in a relationship now but I did used to have attention from other blokes - I wasn't bothered about that - sometimes it was just a nice ego boost to know that someone thinks you are a bit of alright!
These days I kind of feel like a ghost, people look through me, its like I have no substance nothing to make them want to smile or flirt or say something that makes me feel good about myself - its quite upsetting to realise this is happening, I don't actually remember the last time I felt attractive.
For example now if a bloke ever happens to glance at my chest (which I don't remember happening for a while) I worry its because they can see scars or maybe notice a difference because of the surgery. To be perfectly frank its fucking depressing as hell.
No matter what, even when I make an effort I just seem to be invisible - I know it probably seems really superficial to be saying all this but having lost all of my confidence it is just another issue to deal with -a very real and upsetting one.
I wish I knew that there was one person out there that does not view me as a dried up old hag, because that it seriously how I feel right now, I know women are not supposed to care how men view them and blah blah blah but I love how it feels when a man pays me a compliment or makes me feel just a bit special - so fucking sue me!
Having issues with how you look is nothing new for women to deal with, its all around us every bloody day. For me having what little confidence I did have taken away is getting to be a real issue. My other half's best friend told me that as long as I am confident being myself and happy then what does it matter, but I'm not feeling either...just low and wanting to cry a lot and then for good measure feeling guilty about feeling like this because I know some people have it so much worse.
I can't win in my own head at the moment..I am not fishing for complements I just need to get these feelings off my chest, I keep so much of the crazy in, sometimes I just have to let a little out to stop myself going mad.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.......
This sums up perfectly how I'm feeling at the moment too! I am 38 and was first diagnosed two weeks after my 30th birthday. I finished my latest chemo in October and the person I see looking back at me in the mirror is so far removed from the slim, attractive blonde I was in my 20's I wonder if I will ever get her back! I am currently 3 stone heavier than I was pre-Cancer, have dirty blonde "lego head" hair and more scars than I care to mention! A fabulous stick on boob that I detest immediately adds insult to injury. Friends say "don't worry- you always look lovely" or "what does it matter if the treatment is working" but the truth is it matters to me x
ReplyDeleteI use to feel that way too (exactly). I remember this perve staring at my boobs in Tesco's before I was diagnosed and somehow that pre diagnosis memory stuck. A perve, but its still a weird, sorry arse compliment? It's okay to feel that way after what we went through? Perfectly natural. I use to look in the mirror and think aaarrgh and then I thought Dan would look at me differently too. He didn't and it was a year before I actually believed him. It was me projecting this image onto Dan? I wouldn't look at him differently and now I get what he was trying to say. Now I think, I did what I needed to do to survive. Those scars are battle scars and a reminder that I'm still here and that means that I have won. Even if I forget names, words and need to take HRT from time to time, I'm here and I can deal with the things that follow me around. Yeah don't be so hard on yourself Zoe. When that voice tells you, you look aaarggh.......be kinder...the compassionate voice knows better. Hugs my friend. Noels
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