Menopause and Me

Menopause is a complete cunt.

I am 45 and as far as I know am in menopause after being in peri menopause for god knows how long, it’s possible I was pre disposed to start going through it early as my mom did or it could have been the tamoxifen I had been taking for 10 plus years due to breast cancer that I stopped taking last November. Whatever the reason, I have to say, I’m fucking sick of this shit.

If you read up on it there are over 30 symptoms that go along with menopause which can last years….YEARS! 

I hate this, I hate my body, I hate being too hot too cold, hot sweats, cold sweats, day sweats, night sweats, just got out of the fucking shower sweats, being at work listening to yet another update that could have been an email sweats…

And everything fucking hurts! my joints hurt, bones ache, muscles ache, headaches, my skin itches and is so dry, put on too much weight, getting spots again… what the fuck am I 12?????

And tired, oh my god so tired and exhausted, can’t sleep or when I do I have weird dreams or then I wake up and can’t shake the fatigue off.

And it’s not just physical symptoms, I’m anxious and depressed then ok, then crying on a frequent basis, I have little to no motivation to do anything useful, I just want to be left alone by everyone then feel sad because I’m all alone.  

I have frequent bad thoughts about myself, some days I just want to get in the car and drive away and never come back because everyone would be better off without me here, sometimes I think worse things but to be honest I wouldn’t worry too much as I really couldn’t be arsed (see paragraph above).

I am constantly worried my husband will leave as, let’s face it I am no fucking picnic. And who needs a sometimes sweaty, always moody, anxious, depressed, fat, useless wife who does not even want to be touched most of the time? And who is certainty not bothered about looking nice or even getting out of her pyjamas most days.

I’m pretty sure until I started going through it I knew little about menopause, I know my boss actually had to do a course on it which is a good thing because I don’t think you can really explain what you go through on a daily basis. I know people talk more freely now but it does not seem that long since people started being really honest and blunt about it.

I know women use anti depressants, maybe even turn to alcohol or drugs as a crutch to stop or dull the symptoms. I have probably been guilty of the drinking too much just to get some sleep, or take the edge off.

Some can take HRT some use natural remedies, which is they work is great.  Unfortunately due to my breast cancer I am unable to take it so I’m just firefighting each day like so many others and it breaks my heart when I read that women have taken their lives as they were unable to cope, but I can also understand why, when the pain and depression and anxiety gets too much, when your body is a stranger, when you feel so alone and that no one understands.

If I knew back when I got my first period that this would eventually happen I would have opted the fuck out. I don’t think that I have ever felt as removed from my own body, I don’t like it and have no desire to care for it, I just want to feel well, awake, happy, remember what I wanted out of the cupboard and only sweat because of physical exertion or hot weather. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, I hope it’s over soon and I can start a ‘new’ normal part of life.

For now I will keep plodding on, look after each other out there and keep talking.

10 Years

 So, it’s been a while, more than 4 years since I last put a new post on here.  Things have changed, I’m married again now to an amazing man, we tied the knot in May 2018 and have moved to Worcestershire where we live with out menagerie, 3 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 chickens. 

Life is still not easy and in the last 10 years plus the path I am on has been strewn with cow pats from the devils own satanic herd.  Some I have avoided and some I have practically face planted into. 

I was reading a friends post on Facebook this morning about how as someone who has had cancer you constantly carry that fear of recurrence and death around with you, I have written about it myself in this blog, and it suddenly dawned on me that give or take a day it was exactly 10 years ago that I found my lump.  10 years.

I couldn’t let this anniversary pass without writing something so here we are.

10 fucking years.

In some ways it has flown, in others it has dragged but did I think I would still be here 10 years on...probably not.  It’s a funny old thing how when you are younger you feel invincible and have no fear of death... but for me now I won’t say I fear it as we all have to go sometime but I definitely have a healthy respect for it.  I crave life, and time and unless you have had to face losing both it’s hard to explain.

10 years ago I met quite a few amazing women who had breast cancer and although we all overcame at the time there are some of those women who are no longer with us, that has been a bitter pill to swallow, especially knowing that these women had children, families... you do wonder why some of us are still here and how unfair it is that they are not.

I see many women, some friends even that are just starting their journey after being diagnosed.  One of the most difficult things I learned was that unless you have people to talk to who have been in your shoes it is very difficult to have anyone else understand.  

So I guess I just want to say this, you may find it a cliche but I don’t care.

Life with and after cancer is tough, if you are lucky it will get easier with time.  None of us know how much time we have and if this disease will bite us in the ass again, but that can be true for anyone, the worry will always be there but you have to try not to let it rule you, don’t try to forget it or ignore it but don’t let that fear take over what life you have left.

Appreciate what you have, show people how you feel, be kind, don’t dwell, enjoy yourself, don’t hide your feelings good or bad, talk, cry, laugh.

Connect with people that understand, trust me you will need them down the line when no one else gets it, because it never ends, you are never 100% better and the effects on your mental and physical health will always be there.

Embrace the sometimes ridiculousness of it all, laugh at yourself, be honest with people about the effects.

Cancer will not define your life if you don’t let it, but it will always be a part of your life, embrace it and be there when you can for those starting on their own journeys years from now.

Your life is not written, nor is it infinite as you are now, so live, don’t just exist, as any one of us could be gone tomorrow.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month - What Cancer did to me.

So its that time again when everything turns pink and folk on social media come up with fucking terrible ways to 'show their support' for those who are living with or have had Breast Cancer. 

I think the worst one I have heard of this time was the no bra picture to be posted on social media... I have to say...... what the fuck!?!?!?  You want to show your support to women who may have had mastectomies by posting a picture of your perfect tits in a tight top not wearing a bra?  Well if anyone thinks that is a good idea I say Fuck You!  Get a fucking clue....whoever came up with that idea needs a talking to.

For those of you who know me well it's no secret I am not a big fan of the 'pink' cancer awareness, I understand the sentiment and our desire to label everything with a colour and slogan and that's fine. But as a woman who had breast cancer can I please ask you to think before you buy any of the multitude of pink items for sale - how much of that money is really going to a charity? If you want ...to support a breast cancer charity why not just donate the money? Instead of buying things why not volunteer some time? If you know someone with cancer why not make them a meal, do some laundry or just spend some time with them? Going through my cancer treatment was one of the loneliest times of my life. And if you only do one thing please make sure you check yourselves! that goes for the boys too!

So in the spirit of Breast Cancer Awareness month, here is what Breast Cancer did to me;

I thought I was going to die.  I had to face the very stark reality that Cancer kills and at 33 years old all I could think was...I'm not ready.

I had to undergo numerous scans and painful biopsies.

I had to tell my Mom and Dad and family and friends I had Cancer.

I had surgery to remove a tumour from my breast and a full lymph node clearance as it had spread leaving me with an ugly scar across the middle of my breast and under my arm and causing a notable difference in the size/shape of both breasts and nerve damage to my arm - I have never regained full feeling in the top part of my left arm.  And as a special treat I was unsure until the day of my surgery whether I was going to have to have a mastectomy or not.  I did not, I was lucky.

I developed lymphoedema in my left arm and now have to be careful not to cause any damage or get any infection in that arm / hand.

I had seven months of chemotherapy - nausea, unable to sleep, fatigue, constant fear of infection as my immune system was destroyed every 3 weeks, changes in my taste, bone aches, not wanting to eat or drink, depression and a whole host of other side effects.

Due to the chemo I lost my hair.  I cut off my long hair before chemo started and donated it to charity.

Wigs suck.

My veins are shit so right from the off I had a Hickman line.  That is a tube that goes directly into your veins that sticks out of your chest for the duration of Chemo.  Fun.

Whilst having a session of one of the harsher chemotherapy's - it was compared to having double strength bleach introduced into your system I went into anaphalactic shock - my body had built up antibodies since my first session....my throat closed, I couldn't breathe...it was actually terrifying.

Since diagnosis and to this day I have been poked and prodded by numerous medical professionals.

I have yearly check ups and mammograms which I will have each year until I die.

I had radiotherapy every weekday for 3 weeks.  After a few days I felt like I was going to die the fatigue was so bad.

I developed septicemia in my breast, if the lymphoedema nurse had not caught it I could have ended up is hospital within days - I had no idea I was so unwell as I was so used to feeling like shit.

I had never felt so alone in my whole life.

I found out who my friends really are and that sometimes strangers are kinder than those you hold dear.

After treatment ended everyone thought I was OK.

Every time I go to the doctors now I hear the phrase 'well we should do some tests just to be sure, because of your history'.

Constant steroid use gives you hamster cheeks.

I have had numerous scares and am still terrified to this day that the Cancer will return.

I have recently had more surgery to put right the difference in size / shape of my breasts - they look OK, just more scars.

I constantly feel tired.

I wish people understood that Cancer does not end once treatment does.

I have been taking Tamoxifen for nearly 5 years and dealing with the lovely menopausal symptoms that it gives you - weight gain, hot flushes, joint aches and so on and so forth.  I have been told to take it for 10 years.

My memory sucks sometimes...thanks chemo brain.

My skin where I had radiotherapy is tight and discoloured and this will never change.

No-one can really understand any of this unless they have been through it.

It bothers me I have scars...I don't feel feminine or pretty most of the time.

I found that I could help others through writing my Blog and taking the piss out of myself.

I joined a project and filmed myself discussing my diagnosis and treatment etc - again I hope this has helped others.

I have low tolerance for people moaning about trivial shit.

I have more tolerance for those that struggle.

After 5 years I have started moaning about trivial shit and I hate myself for it.

Cancer has taken the joy out of a lot of things.

I cannot have children...actually I don't know if I can physically but I have been told it would be done against medical advice.

Thanks to body issues and the lovely Tamoxifen I don't feel remotely attractive.

I thought I would start living my life how I wanted and not for anyone else...I was wrong.

I went through all of this 2 years after my husband died from Lung Cancer.

I have lost friends to Breast Cancer, young women with children and I would swap places with them in a second because it is just so fucking unfair.

I fall in love every day.

I miss my husband.

I sometimes want to scream and scream until the world shatters.

For so long I wanted normal...now all I want is extraordinary.

Human kindness and cruelty enchant and repulse me greatly.

I am a mess.

I try to help anyone who needs me.

I need help.

I am grateful I am still here.

Sometimes I wish I was not here.

I will never stop fighting.


So please share this, make people 'aware' of what Breast Cancer is.....

No Babies

I have had a few hospital visits and some new things to deal with since my last post.

I went to see my Oncologist, I was concerned that the treatment I have received was putting me through the menopause early.  I had some bloods done and thankfully I am still showing as pre-menopausal.
The Oncologist decided she wanted to speak to me about this as I had mentioned that my other half and I had not ruled out having a family of our own through natural means if it was possible.

So off I went and spoke to the Oncologist and one of her team, unfortunately the consensus was that they would not recommend me getting pregnant.... it was very difficult to hear as up until this point I had not had a definitive answer.

So the reasons they are saying this is because although I am still officially pre-menopausal before I could even try to get pregnant I would have to stop taking tamoxifen which is what stops my oestrogen binding to cells which is what made my cancer worse if you like - oestrogen would be the petrol to the fire in my case.  I would have to be off this for at least 6 to 12 months before trying to conceive as tamoxifen can cause birth defects.  I was also told that in terms of actually conceiving I could have trouble as we cannot say that everything still works after the Chemo and that although not officially going through menopause things are shall we say...slowing down.... so the chances could be slim anyway.

I was then given lots of statistics about survival rates with and without the tamoxifen for 10 years for me surviving for 10 years without tamoxifen is about 80%, with the tamoxifen it goes up to about 93% which is obviously food for thought.  My Oncologist wants me on tamoxifen for 10 years - I have only been on it for 4.  They did however say that if I wanted to try they would support me 100%

But now I have had the official medical opinion its a difficult thing to try and get me head around.  If I now go against the advice and my cancer returns - I don't know how to justify that...I know that this is not all fact but it is based on statistics and studies and I could go ahead with no problems, but my gut says don't and I'm not sure that will change.

I think I have to look at it from the point of view - how much do I want a child?  Would we consider adoption?  I have never said I wanted children of my own - it is not a deal breaker for me, we have talked about this and my other half would not be comfortable with putting me at risk for something that may not happen.

When all is said and done it is a difficult thing to accept and I admit that when my little Niece is running around all beautiful, happy and smiling there are times when my heart feels like it will burst and I could weep as my body has let me down again.

I never took if for granted even before the Cancer that I would be able to have children, I am still unsure how I feel about what has happened...not just the children part, but all of it.  I guess after everything I feel like I should be devastated that I won't have a child of my own...I'm not, I am a little sad, I feel upset for my Mom and Dad as I won't be able to carry on the family line if you will, I feel cheated that I won't experience what it feels like to carry a child, to feel it grow. 

This is just another crappy thing that has happened to me...by no means the worst thing.....I am still here...life is never perfect and you play the hand you are dealt.  I admit that I have times when I do wonder if the universe will ever even the score...will it throw some amazing things at me to even the balance?  But these thoughts are fleeting, no-one can live feeling like the universe owes them, I just have to take it on the chin and keep moving forward.

So my storm continues but I am just trying to embrace it...the good and the bad....and I just hope that somehow, somewhere I am making a difference, that my story, my life, helps someone for the better.

What If?

I am privileged to be part of this amazing project, all I can hope is that it helps people <3

Feeling low...and unattractive...and useless......

Have been feeling very low and weepy lately, I was chatting with someone about blokes and it suddenly dawned on me that no-one fancies me any more - or at least that's how it feels.

Physically I am feeling so rubbish - I'm sick of taking tablets, sick of everything hurting, sick of scars, sick of having things wrong that have been exacerbated by the effects of Cancer.

Don't misunderstand - I am in a relationship now but I did used to have attention from other blokes - I wasn't bothered about that - sometimes it was just a nice ego boost to know that someone thinks you are a bit of alright!

These days I kind of feel like a ghost, people look through me, its like I have no substance nothing to make them want to smile or flirt or say something that makes me feel good about myself - its quite upsetting to realise this is happening, I don't actually remember the last time I felt attractive.

For example now if a bloke ever happens to glance at my chest (which I don't remember happening for a while) I worry its because they can see scars or maybe notice a difference because of the surgery.  To be perfectly frank its fucking depressing as hell.

No matter what, even when I make an effort I just seem to be invisible - I know it probably seems really superficial to be saying all this but having lost all of my confidence it is just another issue to deal with -a very real and upsetting one.

I wish I knew that there was one person out there that does not view me as a dried up old hag, because that it seriously how I feel right now, I know women are not supposed to care how men view them and blah blah blah but I love how it feels when a man pays me a compliment or makes me feel just a bit special - so fucking sue me!

Having issues with how you look is nothing new for women to deal with, its all around us every bloody day.  For me having what little confidence I did have taken away is getting to be a real issue.  My other half's best friend told me that as long as I am confident being myself and happy then what does it matter, but I'm not feeling either...just low and wanting to cry a lot and then for good measure feeling guilty about feeling like this because I know some people have it so much worse.

I can't win in my own head at the moment..I am not fishing for complements I just need to get these feelings off my chest, I keep so much of the crazy in, sometimes I just have to let a little out to stop myself going mad.

Sometimes I wish I was a man.......

F***ing Cancer!

Today is World Cancer Day, to do my bit I posted a picture of me giving Cancer the finger.  Childish it might be but sometimes it all makes me so mad!

I do have times where I get so angry with the whole thing, and if I could take Cancer and turn it into a person I would love to lock it in a room with me, and a very sharp pencil.

It just causes such heartache, such suffering and such problems - these things never go away, even now every ache and pain can turn into a huge drama.  I am nearly 3 years away from the end of treatment and have just now developed some weird condition on my affected side which they think is caused by my lymphatic system not working properly.  The Doctors were quite interested...I however am not quite so excited by another new problem.

I see people newly diagnosed and with recurrences and it knocks me sick, people with children, good people that in no way deserve it and I wish WISH I could take it all away from them. 

I don't do enough...I never feel like I am doing enough to help or raise awareness, I am involved in a project with the a Post Grad student from the University of Westminster which involved me appearing on film to talk about all of my experiences - I hope that when this film is released in whatever way that it does some good.

Cancer has affected my life for years...it will never stop affecting my life for one reason or another - there are millions of us and it just shouldn't be.  How do we stop it?  Will it end in my lifetime?  I hope so, and as it is in life we must always have hope......

Cancer vs Cancer

So, I don't know if you will have seen the Pancreatic Cancer Charity's new advertising campaign but I feel compelled to write something about it.

Seeing the tag line "I wish I had Breast Cancer" on a poster of a woman's face from this particular charity with no explanation left a bad taste in my mouth, I was immediately annoyed by it as I am sure many other people were.  After reading a bit more about this campaign - not just mentioning Breast Cancer but Testicular Cancer too I still am not quite sure what to make of it all.

OK - so looking at it in very general terms - yes, Breast and Testicular Cancer's have a far higher survival rates - but having lived through the disease I am not much for blanket generalisations.  I am very sure that some forms of Breast Cancer and Testicular Cancers have very low survival rates and just because some have high survival rates now - why would having Breast Cancer for example be any better that having Pancreatic Cancer?  You can't compare the two - all Cancers are different and affect people in different ways - I remember the Younger Women's Forum I attended - no one there had the same story to tell because the variations of the disease are massive.

 I just cannot get behind what seems like an argument between two petulant teenager's - "My Cancer's worse" - "No, My Cancers worse!"  I would wish no form of Cancer on anyone and can't help but feel that this kind of advertising is very irresponsible.  I did think for a while did they think - oh well, even negative advertising is good if it gets attention!

It's true all types of Cancer need more money, more research - basically need a cure - some more than others, but is pitting one Cancer against another a valid advertising strategy?

The pessimist in me wonders if in a way Breast Cancer Charities have bought this on themselves by always showing the "Pink and Fluffy" advertising, it has always worried me that people see Breast Cancer as non-threatening, a walk in the park - which it is in no way, shape or form, trust me.  This advertising campaign has taken advantage of that incorrect assumption and only reinforced it, which in my opinion is not a good thing.

Even now sitting here thinking about it I do not think they made the right choice with this "I Wish" campaign.  I hate Cancer, I wish it did not exist full stop, but I never once when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer sat around thinking "I wish I had Skin Cancer", and I can guarantee you that my Husband when he was diagnosed with Terminal Lung Cancer never sat round wishing he had some other form of this disease.  If you have Cancer, the only thing you should want is no Cancer.

I feel belittled by this campaign, why would you assume I had an easier time than you?  It is arrogant and unhelpful and reinforces a falsehood that my Cancer was or is less devastating than yours - whoever you may be.....I do not want to argue the point at all as the only thing I would say is "I wish Cancer did not Exist".

Mountains out of molehills?!?!?

So, its been a while, what can I say life has just taken over and I have been plodding on!  I have been in my job for 6 months now and don't seem to have any free time at all!  Health wise things have been up and down - unfortunately once you have had Cancer it's very easy to make mountains out of molehills but then I guess you kind of have to.  I have had some symptoms recently which because I am taking Tamoxifen the breast care nurses summoned me in to see the Oncologist, which I must admit worried me greatly as I have not seen my Oncologist since I finished chemo.

So after a bit of a chat I was referred to Gynaecology for an external & internal scan, on my next visit as they could see nothing on the scans they decided to do a biopsy of the lining of my uterus - this however not surprisingly came back as inconclusive as it bloody hurt and I could quite happily have kicked someone in the face to stop them continuing with the procedure!  So the next appointment was a full on let's have a good poke around with a camera, dignity well and truly out of the window type thing and we will get another biopsy while we are at it.....

Basically within the space of about 4 weeks 11 Doctors, Nurses and Medical Students have been at the business end of these procedures and far too close to my business end for my liking.

I found myself lying there wondering throughout the course of my life how many health care professionals have seen me "ladygarden out".....and as my last shred of dignity ebbs away I would have to say more than enough....

There are some comments in these situations that no other person (apart from the Doctor inserting items into places that I'd rather not discuss) can say, for example while having the no holds barred full on mooch about through some involuntary tensing I pushed out the speculum 3 times, which then had to be held in place...the comment "blimey you have got good muscles" was not what I was expecting to hear.....

So here I am now awaiting more results and again hoping for the best, although I am a big believer in better safe than sorry its a sad fact that the smallest symptom could potentially be something much bigger and the "molehill" becomes a "mountain" whether you like it or not. 

The scans and procedures could be all for nothing or they could save my life.....in the end a small price to pay.

Keep calm and carry on......

Summer is kind of an odd time for me - its the time of the anniversary of my surgery so that means annual mammogram time, then not too much later its the anniversary of my husbands passing as well as our wedding anniversary and unfortunately my Birthday.

I have had my second all clear this July but can't help wishing I could look forward to the summer with misty optimism instead of approaching it holding my breath and gritting my teeth against the barrage of emotions I have to deal with.

The further I get away from diagnosis and the end of my treatment the more relief I feel, and this time when I got the all clear I did manage to raise a smile.....

The truth is a lot has been going on the last couple of months - I have started working full time again after being out of the rat race for 4 years, and believe me it has been a shock to the system to say the very least.  I have also moved in with my chap and away from my Mom and Dad and my cats who I miss very, very much.
I guess its been a rather stressful time as it feels like the ending of one rather painful chapter of my life and the start of a new one.  Although there are remnants from this painful time that will influence the new story, I am determined not to let it rule me.  I think that's the beauty of free will, we can all choose how anything that happens to us affects us and how we react and deal with it.  I choose happiness, I choose moving forward, I choose to strive to achieve the things I want to do in my life. 

What do you choose?

Valentines Day

So this Valentines day was a lot different to that of 2012.  Valentines day 2012 was the last lot of chemotherapy I had as part of my treatment for Breast Cancer.  Last year I was being poisoned....this year thanks to my other half I was being treated to a meal at a lovely pub.  It really hit home after that how far I have come, it's been more than a year since my last chemo and next week will mark a year from when I completed my radiotherapy and the end of my Cancer treatment - sometimes it does not feel like that long ago and sometimes a million years.  I'm still having medical appointments to do with the aftermath of the Cancer, but not many.  The next hurdle will be my next check up in July where hopefully I will be getting to my first Cancer free anniversary after the all clear last year.  I have been told on a number of occasions that the further you get away from diagnosis the easier it gets to have a normal life and stop worrying so much...or maybe in my case the worrying about my Cancer coming back as just been replaced with worry about getting a job and being in a new relationship!
I sometimes still feel that my life is on hold and overcoming this block is no easy task, but hopefully as the good times thanks to the amazing people in my life cancel out the bad, the easier it will become, but I guess that is the way it works with all these trials and tribulations we all deal with - we sometimes need to stop and just enjoy the little things, be kinder to others and ultimately to ourselves - you don't need to do something big to change your life, what you give is what you receive, and wouldn't it be a good start if we began with what Valentines day is about - love and kindness.

New year...New hope?

So, it's 2013, a brand new year and after the last few years I can't help feeling more hopeful for the future.  Don't misunderstand I'm still scared, my body, heart and soul are still battered and bruised, but there is a ember of hope glowing in me just waiting to catch fire again.

I know this year will still be a struggle, I still have health issues, I'm still starting over with all the practicalities - job hunting, to be followed by a new place to live, still in the beginnings of a relationship and on top of all that still trying to find myself again - but now...she's there, under the surface, just waiting to re-emerge.

The hope makes me feel a million different things - sometimes I don't feel quite stable, but not in a bad way, my life over the last few years has had some incredible lows but born out of them some unexpected and amazing highs.

Something I have become so aware of to the point that it drives me crazy is how some people focus on the negatives all the time and the small things that really don't matter, it's no way to live.

I just wanted to take the opportunity to say have a wonderful new year, wipe the slate clean if needs be, change, do more, laugh more, experience things, love unconditionally and most importantly live this life of yours...you won't get the chance again.

Moving.....Backwards?!?!?!

So, it's December and I've just finished a post Breast Cancer Course called Moving Forward.  I did really enjoy it and it was very useful.....unfortunately other factors have made me feel like I'm actually going backwards.

I have recently been diagnosed with Lymphoedema and had my assessment with the local Lymphoedema Nurse a few days ago, it was not a good couple of hours, my arm is buggered at the moment, lots of nerve damage from the surgery and she also diagnosed me with Cellulitis in the affected breast as well as the original problem of Lymphoedema!  So armed with antibiotics I came away and had a good cry with the words "you are not looking after yourself enough" ringing in my ears.

I think maybe I've gotten ahead of myself, trying to con myself into thinking I'm OK when quite obviously I'm not. But I want to be, and therein lies the problem.  I'm falling over myself to try and be normal and to be back where I was before my diagnosis and in doing that I've not done myself any favours.

So after my horrible few days some advice, take care of yourself, you are the only one who knows you well enough to know what is good for you and at this time when we are all struggling to get back to "normality" whatever that is, be especially kind to yourself, put yourself first - the world will not end if you do. 

Breast Cancer Awareness

So, its October again and Breast Cancer Awareness month to boot.  I hear a lot of discussion both positive and negative to do with BC Awareness campaigns - but is any publicity really bad publicity in this instance? 

Everyone is different in how they react to a charity or awareness campaign - some prefer to see the harsh gritty reality and some prefer the softer approach - the cuddly toy or in Breast Cancer's case the Pink Ribbon.

I personally like both and feel that both have there place, for instance I put a link to the Scar Project up on my Facebook page, their tag line being "Breast Cancer is Not a Pink Ribbon", and yes they are right the harsh reality of Breast Cancer is not soft and cuddly.  The point being I exposed a group of friends to something very honest and that some may find uncomfortable viewing, but I was quite surprised when a close male friend said he had looked at the link and was absolutely blown away by the honesty and bravery of the project, I think it also helped him understand more about what I was going through and enabled us as friends to speak more freely about it.

But on the flip side of this the Pink Ribbon is one of the most recognised awareness symbols today and a lot of big brands have jumped on the "Pink" bandwagon giving a percentage of the profits from their "Pink" items to Breast Cancer Charities.  I don't think there is anything wrong with the Pink and fluffy approach but maybe we are becoming too focused on the product and the symbol and the actual message is getting lost - Breast Cancer is a killer, anyone can get it and we should know what to look for - but even with all the "Pink" awareness people still don't know what to look for and still ignore the symptoms!  This is why I say that maybe the focus is sometimes too much in the wrong direction.

I think also it is an interesting debate as to what retailers / brands the Breast Cancer Charities are joining up with - I think one that I saw that I really was unsure about was KFC! 

At the end of the day any awareness campaign is good but I think that certainly the more commercial campaigns should be looking for a better way to get the real message across instead of just thinking about their profit margin.

Struggling along...

It's been five months since my cancer treatment ended in March and I have to admit I am finding things a struggle.  Although my mind is calmer since having the all clear from the CT Scan I had it has just been filled by other worries, and physically I am still having problems with fatigue and finding the motivation to exercise.

I am having major issues with body image too, although I was lucky that I did not have to have a mastectomy the scarring and subsequent damage done by the radiotherapy has been upsetting me more than I thought it would.  It's a horrible feeling looking at all the perfect breasted poster girls and actresses and feeling, well, deformed.  And because I feel this way I project it onto my other half and just assume he must find me horrible to look at - which he assures me he does not. 

I find it hard in a culture so obsessed with looks and perfection to accept this, even though I would never have considered myself to be bothered with image or looks - I am really struggling to understand why this bothers me so much!  I will be seeing the plastic surgeon early next year after the radiotherapy has stopped working and done it's worst, and right now I'm hoping things can be rectified.

Physically I'm still tired much of the time and mustering any motivation to exercise is proving very difficult coupled with all the pressure I am starting to feel to start my life over again - sometimes its almost like you are afraid to start just in case you get sick again, and this again is something I am struggling to overcome.

It seems there are a million problems that come after treatment ends and as much as I try to take the physical and emotional side effects/problems on board and just get on with it, sometimes it does just get overwhelming.  I do sit and wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all these doubts, worries and physical problems disappear - not just for me but for all the cancer fighters and survivors out there. 
"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" - Hippocrates

My Body the Stranger

Over the past year since it let me down, my body has become a stranger.  Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't - now any ache or pain and I panic - and yes I guess after what has happened this is a normal thing.

So after my treatment finished in March I have already been back to see my Consultant twice.  The first time I thought I could feel something not right in my affected Breast - luckily one Mammogram and Ultrasound later I was proved wrong and given the all clear.  The second time has happened in the last week, I went to a follow up session with the Breast Care Nurses and we discussed what problems to look for and what to report to them.  I had been having some back pain which had suddenly gotten a lot worse, was affecting my sleep and not responding to pain killers, so off to the Consultant I went.  On examination he was not happy and ordered a bone scan, a few days later I was told there is a problem area, but they don't know what it is so I am now awaiting a CT scan.

I just feel so terrified all the damn time and I am getting sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest, I just want to feel normal - or at least to know what normal is again for me!  I know it will take time to get anywhere close to trusting myself in this way again. I have to say this again but just because my treatment is over does not mean I am fine!  Far from it in fact!

Feeling ill at ease with myself physically is starting to get the better of me at the moment - especially as I am yet again under investigation for something.  It could be nothing, I seriously hope it is nothing but its another setback which unfortunately has had bigger consequences in that I have now had to cancel my month long holiday to deal with it - I really needed the break and the distance.  My timing couldn't be much worse.

I know being overly cautious at the moment is expected, but when does it stop?  When do you bite the bullet and not go running to the Hospital in a panic that your Cancer is back?  I am starting to think that coping with the fallout from Cancer is just as hard as fighting the actual disease itself, hopefully one day soon I will beat this side of it too.

Lost Love

Before I was diagnosed in June 2011 I had just about reached a point after my losing my husband in August 2009 where it would have been nice to meet someone.  However then being diagnosed with Breast Cancer somewhat stopped me in my tracks.

Towards the end of my treatment I did start to really miss the affection and love that being with the right person brings,  I jumped into something...probably far too fast and found that I couldn't start to sort myself out, which I am basically having to do from scratch, and put in the effort required to keep the relationship going.  If I was in an established relationship I have no doubt it would be different.
I think I need to be selfish for a while - no that's wrong - maybe I just need to put myself first for a change and really sort out my head after what has been the worst three years of my life.  Sometimes I think I make light of it to stop myself from facing it all because when I do like now for example it makes me fall apart, and it also reminds me that the one person above all others that I want to be here to put me back together isn't and never will be again.

It is nearing 3 years since my husband died, 3 years since I felt his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and loved, it makes my heart ache.  I can honestly say I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything, that feeling never went away and if anything just grew stronger as time went on.

I just feel like I want to tell people, if you have that love, the love that brings out the best in both of you in every way, hold on tight to it, never, never take it for granted and maybe you can make a wish for me, that when I am ready I will get a love like that back again someday.

Help...Any Way I Can

I think anyone with any experience of Cancer and I don't just mean those of us who have suffered with it, are of the same opinion - I don't want anyone else to have to go though this. 

Having met many people that are living with or have survived Cancer I have found that one thing seems to be true of all of them - myself included - they want to help, any way possible to stop this disease.

Throughout my treatment and now it has ended I have tried to provide support to others by being completely honest in this Blog about my experiences. I hope that these musings have helped other people, being so honest and in some cases making fun of the situation has certainly been invaluable to me, like a form of therapy.  As I get stronger I find myself wanting to do more and more - studies - documentaries - support to charities and even starting to write a book about my experiences over the past 3 years dealing with both being a Widow and my own Cancer journey.

I have certainly met the most amazing and generous people because of this journey I am on and feel my life is all the richer for that, I have also learnt to go with the flow, which I as someone who likes to be in control of their own destiny found very hard.  Facing your mortality makes you realise that people are perfectly imperfect and I for one would not have it any other way, life would be very dull otherwise.

So, how do I help?...the answer - any way I can.

I still feel that I am lucky and very blessed - a friend recently asked me if I felt I have been dealt a raw deal by life.....in some ways yes, but I'm not going to sit and piss and moan about it - people deal with a lot worse than I have been through every second of every day, and so far what has not killed me has only made me stronger.

12 Month Anniversary

The weekend of May 28th marked the start of a long line of 12 month anniversaries, it was 12 months at that time when I found the lump that would put my life on hold for over a year.  But like I said, this one anniversary triggers off several more - having surgery to remove the Cancer, starting chemo, losing my hair and so on. I just wonder whether acknowledging these anniversaries does more harm than good. 

The first one when I think about it is still difficult to get my head around.  I was sick for a YEAR, a year, gone, just like that.  Its strange when you start having treatment it feels like it drags on forever and then in the blink of an eye you are here, where I am, 12 months on trying to reclaim your life.

But now I am getting better and do I really want to keep dwelling on what I have been through?  No doubt that this experience has made me stronger and had other positive effects on me, but it has also made me face my own mortality, scared me, made me needy in some ways so to keep looking back, will that stop me going forward?

I know that once I start to get back to some kind of normality, job, relationship, place to live, social life etc the worry about getting ill again will subside, but I guess not having much else to focus on right now the fear and worry is still at the forefront of my mind, although it is easier to push back as time goes on.

My life will never be totally free of this shadow that seems to affect everything I do but I am hopeful that I will get to do all the things I still want to do, and I hope that my experiences will enable me to help others.  I would never say that being ill is a blessing, but it has helped me face some difficult things in my life and I know that I will never take anything for granted.

Road to Recovery and Freedom????

I finished my hospital treatment on March 13th 2012.  It has been approximately 2 and a bit weeks and it feels like forever.  I'm not sure if others have experienced this but I seem to swing from having infinite patience and tolerance to none at all!  I have found myself to be snappy and mean and that's just not me, I don't like it but I guess its one of those psychological side effects that comes from being ill and poked and prodded and having limited ability to do what you want and go where you want for a year.

I want everything now or even better yesterday!  I don't want to wait for anything and it feels like my recovery is going at a snails pace.  I just want normality I guess, to be able to go bloody swimming so I can start to get rid of the weight I've gained through treatment, to go out for a few hours and not be totally knackered the next day!  To put my hair in a ponytail! Lol!

This road to recovery is going to be a long one it seems and there are still hurdles to come - I have to see the Genetics people in April and am worried the outcome will include more surgery, I am still waiting to see what side effects the Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) will have on me, every test I have puts me on tender hooks and this is all before I have to look for a job/place to live and start my life over again.

I guess being through all this I just want simplicity in my life - no games, no complications just truth and purity, its very true that life is too short to mess about, but with living in that way you must be brave - to be honest to be true to yourself in all areas of your life.  Its an old adage but in the end the truth will set you free.......